Doctor Who

Episode Report Card
Jacob: F | 2171 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Starwhales Should Be Afraid Of Their People

Mandy asks if the obnoxious cluelessness is due to the Doctor being Scots, and for once he tells the total truth: "Oh, I'm way worse than Scottish!" Not only can he not vote, he can't even see the mysterious movie Amy saw in those seconds we were unable to process the obvious shit going on right in front of us, because it was so poorly filmed. In case you're confused -- and why wouldn't you be, since it's the central conceit of the entire fucking show, regardless of how this conversation meant something completely different last episode when it was a major turning point in their relationship -- this is because the Doctor is an ALIEN. He is a TIME LORD from GALLIFREY, which is a PLANET that is not EARTH. Alien. There used to be some, now there's just one. Except when there's not.

The Doctor gives a whole long fucking boring speech about things, dangles a bunch of end-free sentences in front of Amy, whatever's as annoying and pointless as possible and then changes the subject so he can go literally, "Hold tight, we're bringing down the government. Say Wheee!" as the Smiler goes from Angry to Angrier to Incredibly Angry, and meanwhile upstairs Liz 10 pulls off her face and makes the little girl giggle because guess what: No point in her having a mask whatsoever. Isn't that jolly.

The Doctor and Amy are in the stomach of a beast below. It's gross and stupid, because children are gross and stupid and we assume they like stupid shit, so they like stupid shit. But I doubt any children -- chronologically-- are reading this, so fuck it.

...Some time later, after yet more intensely uncreative robberies from both Star Wars and my favorite line of dialogue of all time (Farscape's "Ride out on the wave of the vomit in front of the vomit"), so they can roll around in it and eventually sonic screwdriver this and buzzy wiggle that and she's now in her nightie and sodden with vomit. Droll.

Doctor asks some more random Smilers that are there for no reason, and they go smiley-angry-angriest and then stand up and are beadles, but then Liz 10 in her cape and mask shows up and zaps them and she knows who Amy is for no reason ("She's very brave," the Doctor supplies) while the Queen acts like a jackass forever and ever and says she knows what the Doctor is and she's so pretty and she's not technically a British subject but he fucked her ancestor the Virgin Queen and whatever whatever, Torchwood and whatnot, and it's like, she was waiting for him to do something instead of doing something, but she knew he would steal somebody's glass of water and put it on the floor and then she goes, "Basically, I rule," and it's really stupid and embarrassing and dorky because get it? She rules, and she rules. Except she doesn't? And she... Doesn't. So just like last week, it's grody because stop telling me how cool you are and start doing cool shit.

Doctor Who

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