Episode Report CardKeckler: C+ | Grade It Now!
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As the rain continues, the tourists wrap themselves in every possible imagining (including Mondrian) of Joseph's Technicolor dreamcoat and schlump around the gauzy complex. La Williams makes brief announcements to the effect that they she's sure they will be able to fix the weather grid soon. "No, you won't," says Drab Man, stepping drably out of his drab crowd. "You're responsible for this!" Dax accuses. Um, duh, Dax. Does that icoberry allergy extend to making your brain itch as well? "Oh, I authorized it, but it wasn't my idea," Drab Man assures her. Björf steps forward, holding a red-flashing handheld thing: "It was mine!" Bashir is dumfounded, as is Dax, but she's not too dumbfounded to exposit the technobabble: "Björf, what did you do -- build an uplink so you could take control of the weather grid?" Björf explains that the grid has been disabled, and will remain so for three to four days so Risa's inhabitants and guests can experience Risa's natural weather patterns. "And for most on Risa, that means RAIN and PLENTY of it!" La Williams says, shouting above the, um, rain. Quark wants to know why they're doing this. "Because Risa is an illusion created by weather control systems, industrial replicators, seismic regulators -- if the Federation is going to survive we're going to have to stop wasting our time with toys and get back to the essentials." Hence their name, the Essentialists. I just thought I'd point that out in case you missed the anvil report at the top of the hour. You know, this whole anti-Risa thing is just like people saying that in order for the U.S. to survive, Hawaii needs to stop being all tropical and beautiful and start getting real. Or that Las Vegas is going to be the thing that single-handedly brings down all of North America. Wait, I might agree with that one. Staring unblinkingly after Drab Man as he retreats, La Williams says, "I'm beginning to think there's no hope for that man." Lightning crashes. "Or you either, Mr. Björf," she adds, and stalks off. Burn! Especially without SPF 55! Bashir, Quark, and Dax immediately jump down Björf's sillgratin-coated throat. Björf announces that if people of the Federation can't handle "a little bad weather," then they are going to be worthless in the face of a Dominion invasion. There are so many faults to that argument -- I don't even know where to begin. So I won't. Y'all are so smart, I'm sure you'll figure it right out. Dax looks pissed. Rain continues to pour. Quark walks in from standing morosely outside and complains, "I have seen drier days on Ferenginar and we have one hundred seventy-eight different words for rain. Right now, it's glebbening out there and that's bad." Dax -- who idiotically is still in her swimsuit although I can't imagine she didn't bring other clothes on her vacation because, gross -- tells him to take his Whorega-hn and go prospecting for some tail to tap. Quark says the Risans are even more depressed than the tourists. La Williams walks over and says she's organizing a game of hoverball and wants to know if they're interested. "In the rain?" Quark boggles. La Williams says they've got an indoor court set up. "I'll play," Dax assures La Williams. "Good, that makes one," La Williams says, and slumps down next to her. Dax correctly assumes she's having a hard time keeping the guests happy. La Williams says they are beginning to complain about everything -- the weather, the food, the rooms, the entertainment. "What's wrong with the food?" Dax demands. "Nothing as far as I can tell," La Williams sighs, "but the guests all say it doesn't taste right." "It's the humidity -- it dampens the food and makes everything mushy. Trust me, there's no word for 'crisp' on Ferenginar," Quark explains tiredly. He's right, you know. We were at a beach party a few weeks ago and the fog was starting to come in after sunset and suddenly, all my Doritos were oddly moist and soft. It was totally weird but they still had all their cheesy loveliness. La Williams wonders if Drab Man is right: "Maybe we have lost the ability to deal with adversity." Again, bad weather is NOT adversity! If they were all being attacked by a band of murderous Jem'Hadar, I think they'd rise to the occasion and fight back, not just sit there and complain that the weapons weren't scary enough.