Episode Five

Episode Report Card
Kim: C | Grade It Now!
And I Am Telling You... Okay, I'll Leave

You guys, my television died like an hour ago. Luckily, I am an American and I own more than one television so I'm all set but that was scary until I remembered what country I live in. What if I were Canadian? Do they have more televisions than people in their households too? I should ask Robin Thicke. He's like half-Canuck, right?

Anyway, last week Meleana went home and she vows that she's meant to sing and she will do it no matter what. Yeah, I hear the music industry is super easy to break into, especially for someone who is not that talented and/or pretty anyway. So good luck with that, Meleana.

Tonight, they will be singing duets from movies. Ooh, I hope someone sings "Against All Odds." Or some totally oddball choice like "Somewhere Out There." And the bottom two will be battling it out, but this is the last time because next week, the public votes. You know, me and Alan Thicke vote. So that should be interesting.

Jennifer says that neither of her partners has been in the bottom because they're just really talented. So she's basically saying that the others aren't that talented. Anyway, Jennifer and John are up first. Hey, guess what song they're singing? What is the cheesiest song from a movie in the last twenty years? "You've Got a Friend in Me"? Ha, just kidding. It's "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic. Of course that's what he's singing. Gross. I pre-hate it. ALTHOUGH, Jennifer and John make fun of Robin during rehearsals, and I hate Robin, so now I am torn.

Nope, I hate this performance. I can tell from the first few notes. John just bugs me. He's one of those guys who's got "fun" glasses. You know what I'm talking about. Okay, I will say something nice. Their voices blend really well and they are right on point as far as pitch. Also, Jennifer is wearing a purple velour suit with a silver button-down shirt underneath. So far, every performance that John has given is something that you'd see on the Carnival cruise line. Competent, overwrought, faithful to the original, boring.

Kelly starts by giving props to Jennifer for her singing and adds that their voices blend well. Robin thinks it looks like John and Jennifer have been singing together for ten years. Is that a compliment? I still think they look like a CMT network variety show. Usher says that it sounded great and it was fabulous. No one is very excited. They know there's nothing specific they can pick out without sounding mean, because what's wrong with that performance is what's wrong with America, kind of. And the judges can't piss off America. I can, though! John's cheesy. He's a big ol' hunk of Velveeta.

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