Episode Report Card
Monty Ashley: D+ | Grade It Now!
Beer Party!
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Before we get into the recap, let's talk about What's Wrong With This Show. My basic problem with it is that I already know that all three main characters have magic powers. I even know what they are. I assume Darryl is some kind of demon or something, because that's what he was in the book and the movie, and also because he showed up in a puff of magic smoke while wearing a T-shirt that said "I AM OBVIOUSLY SOME KIND OF DEMON OR SOMETHING". So all this stalling around where the women slowly come to terms with the idea that they might possibly have magic powers? Boring. You're witches. You use magic powers every episode. Get on with it. The investigation into Darryl's mysterious background? Don't care. He's a demon. Or something. Everybody already knows that. Skip ahead a bit. Make something interesting happen!

Sorry. Just had to get that off my chest. It's like if Lost started season one with a voiceover saying "These people are stranded on an island with polar bears and hidden hatches," you know?

Bun is awake, but apparently crazy. You can tell because she's mumbling "Three Blind Mice". She's lost her memory and she's constantly doodling The Symbol that we've seen on Jamie's torso and in front of Eleanor's house. From now on, I'll just call that The Symbol. It kind of freaks out Kat, who's checking up on Bun in her capacity as a nurse.

There's a festival going on. Eastwick has a lot of festivals, doesn't it? In this case, it's because Van Horne Ventures has declared some place to be the Future Side of Eastwick Brewing Company. Darryl and The Witches (that's what I'm calling them from now on, because why keep denying it?) walk through the crowd talking about Oatmeal Stout. He encourages Kat to contact his lawyer to divorce Raymond, but she's getting back together with him. He asks Kat to take the divorce lawyer's business card, but she declines, putting it back in Darryl's pocket. That's important, just so you know. Raymond rushes up to gush to Kat about how they're giving away beer cozies.

Joanna, who is still trying to advance her subplot about investigating Darryl's mysterious past, tries to ask Darryl some questions, but he'd rather talk to Roxie. He asks her if she's at all bothered by the way she wished to see Gus dangling by his neck in town square and then that very thing happened, but she insists that it was just a coincidence. See, this is the kind of thing I'm talking about. Nobody watching thinks it was a coincidence, Darryl doesn't think it was a coincidence, even Roxie doesn't really think it was a coincidence. So why are we slogging through the part of the story where she acts like it was? Anyway, Darryl's mute servant Fidel has brought him some giant scissors, which is always funny. Roxie turns around and sees Gus's dead face, attached to the rest of his dead body, right in front of her. She screams.

After Kat and Joanna check in with Roxie, Darryl makes a speech about how he's building a brewery. He's really enthusiastic. But just then! He's interrupted by a priest with an injunction. The priest, who I might as well tell you is Pastor Dunn, claims that he knows the truth about Darryl, but he's just accusing him of bribing someone. Darryl offers to work things out with Dunn, but Dunn is too angry and protesty. This land was promised to the church, and he does not make deals with liars or criminals! Well, obviously he does make deals with liars, if someone offered him the land and then reneged. Darryl takes his giant scissors and walks off while Dunn and his mob cheer. Incidentally, most of the signs say things like "Keep Eastwick a dry town", so the protesters are mostly objecting to a brewery on principle, not because someone promised the land to the church. I don't think the town's actually alcohol-free, considering how much public drunkenness we've already seen in just three episodes. Kat's husband Raymond drinks beers on the public thoroughfare all the time!

Mia has a scene! Apparently all her little school chums think Gus was her boyfriend and want her to go to a memorial down at the ol' swimmin' hole. Mia is peer-pressured into going to what's described as "a total sobfest" because it's the only way people will start treating her normally again.

Joanna wants the Pastor to talk to her, but he's secretive and taciturn. Also he's skeptical about the neutrality of a newspaper owned by Darryl Van Horne. He'll go as far as "Darryl Van Horne is evil" and "He chills me to the bone", but he has nothing concrete. Just a lot of worrying about the spiritual cost. And when Joanna asks for something more concrete, he starts lecturing her about her public drunkenness. He predicts death and debauchery. Now we're talking!

Meanwhile, Roxie and Chad are apparently having sex for the fourth time in one day. That's that debauchery I've heard so much about! And the death is supplied by Gus, who appears in the bed to smile at Roxie. He still looks dead, but being able to talk makes him less macabre. All he says, though, is "Hey, Roxie." Whatever happened to "Boo!"?

Joanna arrives at the Van Horne mansion while Darryl is looking fondly at a model of a building he is presumably planning on building. I guess it's probably the brewery. She wants to interview him, but he wants to show off his beer bottle plans. He's not worried about Pastor Dunn. Joanna tries out the hypno-eyes to make Darryl answer the question. "Tell the truth. Who are you and why did you come here?" He looks deep into her eyes and then answers "You don't want to know". Her hypno-eyes have failed more often than they've worked. Then Darryl gets a call and ends the interview. He says "8:00 PM tonight" in a tone that suggests he's repeating whatever the person on the other end said, takes notes on a notepad and rips off the top sheet. As soon as he turns around, Joanna steals the whole notepad, presumably so she can do that pencil-shading thing everyone knows about. Have you ever actually tried it? It doesn't work so well if the person was using a pen, because then they don't push hard enough to make an impression on the second sheet down. It's more of a pencil-era technique.

Raymond comes home in a good mood because he's just been paid. He wants to take Joanna out on a date! At a place with tablecloths! She sees the lawyer's card on the kitchen counter and tears it up. Gosh, how'd that get there?

Roxie and Chad walk through the mansion's hallways. Darryl makes fun of them after Chad leaves: "He wants you to text him. OMG!" See, because Chad is younger than Roxie. As Roxie lectures Darryl about how hot Chad is, she sees Dead Gus again. Darryl doesn't see anything. Roxie insists that she doesn't believe in ghosts, and Darryl drops some Hamlet on her: "There are more things on heaven and earth, Roxie, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." You know, when Gus shows up, all he does is stare at her. If it weren't for his ash-grey complexion, it wouldn't be spooky at all. Darryl tells Roxie to ask Gus what he wants, since that's probably the easiest way to get him to leave. That's a valid plan.

Joanna and Penny look at a corkboard with their Darryl notes on it. Joanna rubs her pencil on the notepad, and it works perfectly. It always works perfectly, except in The Big Lebowski. So now Joanna figures that Darryl will be at this address at 8:00. She's positively giddy over the chance to wear a ski mask while staking out this house in Southwick. There's a Southwick now? Penny is excited to go on a stakeout, and they talk a bit about Emilio Estevez. Penny runs across a stack of pictures that Joanna has surreptitiously taken of Will with her phone. That's creepy. They talk about Emilio Estevez some more, and Penny insists that Will is totally into Joanna. Joanna is sad because she hypnotized Will into liking her, but you'll notice she hasn't reversed the hypnotism or anything. They drink wine. See? Lots of drinking.

Roxie tries to summon Gus's spirit. No dice. I, um, mean that she isn't having any luck. But I guess the alter

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