Eastwick

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Monty Ashley: C- | Grade It Now!
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And They're Off!
his really is a fantasy!

Joanna is sniffing her armpits in the newspaper break room when Will walks in. She makes up a story about rubbing her armpits with dryer sheets. She might not be making it up, not that that would make any more sense. He asks her out, and she tells him he's not in control of his actions. To demonstrate, she makes him punch himself in the arm and grab her ass. This doesn't seem like it's really going to explain anything to him. Why doesn't she just use her hypno-eyes to return him to normal? Anyway, Penny walks in to see Will grabbing Joanna's ass and tells them that the writer of the "Local Millionaire Drowns" story is here to see Joanna. It's Martin Mull! Although his character is named "Milton", which might be hard to remember.

So Milton wrote this article about Sebastian Hart, the local millionaire who drowned in 1984 and he claims to remember almost everything he ever wrote. But he denies remembering anything about these stories. Joanna immediately whips out the hypno-eyes and demands that he tell her everything he remembers about Sebastian Hart. But he can't remember any details. He remembers that he (Sebastian, not Milton) was young, surrounded by women, and scary, but he can't remember why. Thanks for coming in, Martin!

Roxie is sitting outside her store and has rolled a candle, a rope, and a ladder. The manual doesn't explain what that means, although I'd like to point out that two of the three are murder weapons in "Clue". The guy who tried to rape Mia walks past and smirks. Then he leaves. Jamie comes by and mentions having been to the library, and Roxie gets all snotty: "I thought only old ladies and perverts went to libraries." What? Screw you, lady. Libraries are awesome. Roxie walks Mia away, but Mia detaches herself from her mother, insisting that she doesn't need a new dress because she's not going to HarvestFest. Not go to HarvestFest? Why, my dear, it's the social event of the season! Simply everybody will be there!

Sorry. I think I turned into a Regency-era fop there for a second. I'll try not to let it happen again. Anyway, Roxie gets in her Jeep and pulls up next to Gus (the kid who tried to rape Mia) and starts to threaten him. Then he says she's "the slut who killed her husband so she could bang half the town. So she knocks him down with her Jeep. She does not run him over, though.

The Kat residence! Kat's coaching her daughter Emily, who's apparently some kind of yellow gourd in a children's performance which will take place at HarvestFest. Raymond watches significantly as Kat talks about how Emily has to fulfill her obligations. Then Emily sings "A-Tisket, A-Tasket" while surrounded by CGI butterflies. It's mildly heartwarming, I guess, if you don't mind the lousy singing.

Meanwhile, Roxie is having trouble molding Darryl's head into clay. (Be a nose! Be a nose!) She explains that she's a little distracted because she wants to see Gus strung up in the middle of town square. Yes, make wishes in front of the creepy wish-granting guy. Good plan. Darryl goes on a little rant about how women need to learn to harness their anger. Then he sits behind her and puts his hands over hers as she sculpts, and Chad walks in to see them reenacting Ghost. Naturally, Chad stomps off in a jealous snit.

Roxie confronts Chad about his attitude, saying "Chad, I'm a widow. I don't have boyfriends." I don't want to tell you how to grieve, lady, but even the Victorians allowed women to move on after five years. Chad walks off, despondent. He's also probably still in that snit.

Kat's watering her garden in a nightgown when Raymond comes out and puts a can of beer on the back of her neck to cool her down. Incidentally, do you know what Kat's last name is? Gardner. Subtle, right? Because she makes plants grow? Anyway, Raymond says that he knows it's probably too late, but he wants her to know that he's sorry, she's the love of his life, and he misses her. That's a good angle, Raymond. And it seems to be working on her. As they make out in the garden, the plants grow dramatically. She never really explains why she was wearing her silk nightgown while outside at night watering the garden.

Joanna and Penny break into the historical society (because Joanna won't wait until the next morning when they'll be open) and find a file labeled "Sebastian". They start singing "Like a Virgin" again, and I think you'll find that your really good cat burglars almost never sing during a job. Except for Hudson Hawk. Just then! A dog appears to growl, bark, and eat the file. Penny is mostly concerned about where she should pee. The dog barks a lot, but he's clearly a good-natured fellow. The only thing Joanna can salvage from Sebastian's file is a picture of him with three young women, one of whom is Bun. She sprays the perfume at the dog (who doesn't react in any way) and they run out screaming. See, if they'd just come back during business hours, they could have gotten the file legally and would have all the information, not just a random photo.

The next morning, Raymond and Kat are spooning. He's happy; she's freaked out. She insists that they're not back together. She should probably not have slept with him, then. They have their argument again about how he has been a lazy bum ever since he lost his job. Kat feels like she's been doing everything on her own and she can't wait around anymore. End of scene!

Roxie works on her jeep and Jamie shows up. He helps her change her tire, which someone (Gus, one would think) slashed. Jamie complains about her not liking him and talks about how he's a writer about folklore. He also brags about how his last book got "a five-star review online", which isn't much of a distinction. He wants to talk to Roxie about her art, which he thinks has a spiritual potency. She finally checks out his torso, and there's no scar. Yet! I, um, mean, "Gosh! I guess those weren't really psychic visions after all!"

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Eastwick

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