Ed
A Job Well Done

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Uncle Bob: C | Grade It Now!
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A Job Well Done

Opening credits. Oh, wow. NBC is still trying to kill us with that horrendous theme song. For a brief moment, I thought somebody was in my bathroom, vomiting blood clots while baby hamsters carrying razor blades in their tiny hamster fists crawled out their nose. Then I realized it's still that shitty theme song.

Commercials. Oh, look -- K-Pax comes out this week! It's a movie about an alien who comes to America who talks funny and understands what animals are thinking. You know, seriously...it's about time Hollywood got around to shooting Elian Gonzales's life story.

Ed's working in his office when a guy who just exudes sleaze walks into the room. The guy guesses Ed's suit size to a T. Ed's impressed to the point where blood is stirring in his groin. The man's name is Ron Leveritt, and he owns Suitopia, the best place in Stuckeyville to buy a suit and get a major dosage of the heebie jeebies at the same time. Ed is delighted, because he bought his first suit at Suitopia, from Ron's father, who owned the store at the time. Ron's father had told Ed, as he was trying on the suit, that he looked just like Kojak. Ron asks whether Ed wanted to look like Kojak, and Ed says he did. This pleases Ron. In a moment of great disappointment for the television viewing public, Ron says he's not here to talk about vintage polyester suits; he's here to request Ed's services. I don't know about the average Edhead, but if these two sat and talked about suits from the 1970s for an hour, I'd be on the edge of my seat with eyes wide open, sucking in every word like a hippie sucking on his last roach. It seems a former employee, Heather Ross, is suing Ron for sexual harassment. Ed asks whether Ron harassed her in a sexual nature; Ron says, "Never". He says she's just upset because he fired her. Maybe he was expecting her to be overjoyed; I dunno. But he fired her for the best reason possible: her sales were down. He says that his store is a Mom and Pop organization, and he can't afford to have skank whores just draining his payroll. He quickly apologizes for the "skank whore" remark which, to the untrained ear, may have flown right past many viewers at home, but eagle ear Uncle Bob caught it. Ed agrees to take the case because Ron's dad made him look like Kojak, which is as good a reason as any to accept a case in Stuckeyville.

In Carol's classroom, the students are discussing The Great Gatsby. The students are snickering and saying "Bingo!" back and forth to each other. Carol asks what's going on, and Massive Mark assures her that it's "nothing." She mentions a recurring motif in the book, and hears someone else whisper, "Bingo!" Carol decides to fight fire with fire, reaches down the back of her panties, pulls out a ping pong ball, and says, "B-12....B-12." This quiets the classroom down considerably. As my dear friend P. Diddy would say, "The beeyotch know her shit."

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