Ed
A Job Well Done

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A Job Well Done

Mike and Nancy are finishing up dinner when Mike offers Nancy an alternative dessert: some of his "sweet, sweet lovin'." I fight off wave after wave of nausea. He asks her if she'd like to be stimulated by the pleasures of intimacy, and she wants to know if he's been reading Playboy again. His mouth says no but his eyes say, "Yes! Yes! Oh, God, yes!" Mike informs Nancy that he has a secret ploy going: he wants to have another baby. Nancy, for lack of a better term, fucking goes off on Mike's ass. She can't believe this sonofabitch wants to have another baby. Nancy's barely able to deal with The Evil Baby Sarah and still keep up with her daily soaps; the house is a pigsty; the Evil Baby Sarah is a handful; and it's a full-time job when you've given birth to the Dark Lord's bastard child. Nancy then goes off the deep end and says fine, fine, they can have a baby. She starts getting naked and stripping Mike's clothes off him. Mike feels pretty stupid at this point, and says that he's not having a sarcastic baby. Nancy's sarcasm is in overdrive as she lies on the bed and starts jamming her fist into her groin. Oh, wait...the dog just sat on the remote and The Sexorcist is showing on Cinemax. My bad. I debate on recapping The Sexorcist instead of Ed, but the wife's home and if she walks in the bedroom and sees me whacking it to a porn actress wearing a devil's mask, it's a one-way ticket back to therapy for us.

At the alley, Phil is quietly telling a Russian bowler by the name of Donnie Stroyko to "just let it go." Apparently, the guy has lost his bowling ball somewhere in the vast wasteland between the pins and the alley. The name of the ball is The Devastator, which coincidentally was the nickname bestowed upon my penis in college after I landed a few of my girlfriends in the hospital with what can only be described as "decimated kitty-kats." Okay...that didn't really happen. I was just goofin' around. I just harbor this insatiable urge to brag about my genitalia every chance I get. Ed walks up, gets the skinny on what's going on, and assures Donnie that they will find his ball, which must be wedged in the ball return somewhere. He tells Phil to turn the place upside down if he has to. Phil assures Ed that he'll have the lanes on the ceiling if that's what Ed really wants. Ed says, "Just find the fucking ball, you worthless piece of shit." I think something's bugging Ed.

Carol's waiting outside the principal's office when Jackass calls her in. She asks whether he's interviewing new Trigonometry teachers, referring to the three hoodlums waiting for their turn to see the business end of a paddle. Hey, do kids get paddled in schools anymore? Is that practice still in use? Because if it's not, maybe we should start a petition to have high-school students beaten with a wooden plank from here on out if they get out of line. Are you with me, people? I ask you, ARE YOU WITH ME, PEOPLE?! Eh. Probably not. I'm damned lucky if anyone's still reading this crap. Anyway, Principal Jackass has been looking over Carol's lesson plans, and thinks that she's clearly in a rut. Carol's stunned, and says this is the first time that's been brought to her attention. Jackass tells her that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that young teachers get in ruts all the time. Carol brings up the fact that the students voted her Best Teacher for three years running, and that she would have gotten it the fourth year, but Mr. Leonard threw a luau in his back yard for all the students, and Carol doesn't have room for a luau in her own back yard. Jackass suggests that maybe she could have thrown an orgy that fourth year. Carol says she did, and maybe that's why Mr. Leonard won. They share a hearty laugh over the joke, and then they have hot sex on his desk. Well...not really. But if I were in charge of writing Ed, I think you see what direction I'd be taking it, huh? Anyway, Jackass tells Carol that maybe it's time she rethink and retool her lesson plans, since she might be getting a bit stale. Carol says that Jackass has had it in for her since his first day, and reprimands him, "You're no teacher, you're an administrator!" She then beats a hasty retreat, and Jackass is left shellshocked and stunned. Almost flabbergasted...but not quite.

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