Ed
A Job Well Done

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A Job Well Done

Ed walks into Suitopia, and this fine-assed babe walks up to him and starts flirting. Ed removes his sunglasses and the gal gasps, telling Ed he has the most attractive blue eyes she's ever seen. Another employee walks up and wants to wait on Ed, but the first employee says she got him first. The second one pouts and says, "You always get the cute ones!" Ed grins and says that even though he knows this is all faker than Britney Spears's boobs, he's still enjoying it. Ron spots Ed and calls him "Get Even Stevens," and I kick myself in the ass for not coming up with it first. All this time, I've been flirting with using the nickname Ed "The Crippler" Stevens...and "Get Even" beats the crap out of "The Crippler." Anyhoo, Ron tells Ed that he wants to "dress [Ed] up in [his] love," which could quite possibly be the gayest thing I've ever heard one man say to another on national television. Ed tries to wheedle out of the lawsuit by telling Ron that the case is no good; they're not going to win, and Ed wants to settle out of court. Ron punches Ed in the mouth several times and says that there's no way he's settling out of court, punctuating each word with another sock in the choppers, which could quite possibly be the most violent yet homoerotic thing I've ever seen one man do to another on national television.

Back at the alley, Kenny and Phil are using metal detectors up and down the bowling lanes, trying to find the missing bowling ball. Ed thinks this is ludicrous, but doesn't use that exact word; that's something I thought up with my own little pea-brained head. Phil points out that it's a possibility that the ball could have had some metallic paint in its design and metal detectors are a must in this quest for the Russian's ball. Kenny's detector keeps going crazy every time he lifts it near his forehead. Not really. That's just another of the many lies with which I pepper my recaps.

Molly shows up at the alley, demanding to know whether Ed has dropped the case yet. Ed says he's not dropping the case. Molly wants to know why; after all, Ron's disgusting and Ed needs to make a statement by not handling his case. Molly informs Ed that the man is a pig and insinuates that Ed is trying to get him off the hook. Ron also makes women dress like whores to keep their jobs. Ed, for some unknown reason other than to keep the plotline alive, doesn't tell Molly that he's being forced to represent Ron by a tube sock-wielding judge. Molly, without being provoked to do so, decides to share with Ed the real reason she wants to see Ron punished. I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I can tell where we're going with this story. Apparently, when Molly was in college, she went to apply for a job at a pizza place with two of her friends. Her two good-looking, slender friends got the jobs, and Molly didn't. It seems the owner thought that if he hired Molly, she'd eat up all the profits. They'd send her out to deliver a dozen pizzas, and she'd show up at homes empty-handed with pepperonis dripping off her chins. She realizes that the world is not a perfect place where pizzas are free, but goddammit, it's up to Ed to try to fix discrepancies like this. Please. Ed. For the love of God. Drop the case. At this point, Ed had every right in the book to tell Molly to hump off. Lemme tell you what: I recap TV shows for a little pocket money, y'know? If some female friend of mine that I wasn't humping, hadn't humped, and had no interest in ever humping came up to me and told me that I shouldn't recap a certain show because she found it morally unfit for her tastes, she'd be chomping down on a big ol' steaming bowl of fuck for all I care. I'm sorry, Sweetie. I've gotta pay the bills somehow, and my days as a gigolo were over the day I hit 250 lbs. I can't believe Ed stood there and took this crap from Molly. I woulda dropped her like a Mexican hot plate.

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Ed

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