Ed
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Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Cool To Be Kind

I'm warning you right now...I don't do this episode justice. The last five minutes or so was some of the most touching television I've ever experienced. In fact, I'm still touching myself, if that tells you anything. Which I'm sure it doesn't.

We crank it up with Mike and Ed standing in line for coffee at the local coffee emporium. "Why are we standing in line for coffee?" Ed asks. "Because we're idiots," Mike replies. Nobody steps in to debate the issue. The new principal is a few customers ahead of them. He tells the girl behind the counter that even though he's new in town, he wants to cut through all the red tape and become a regular in the coffee shop. So, starting tomorrow and every day after that, he'll stop in the shop and say "gimme the usual," and she'll pour him a black coffee. Coffee Girl gets all giggly as if he's flirting with her, and says, "Sure, Dennis. You're a regular." I think she thinks he meant he'd have sex with her. Or possibly her mother. Because she's giddier than a kid with ADD on the last day of school. Ed says hi to Dennis as he leaves. Dennis isn't sure who Ed is, and Ed reminds him that he was the one who represented Warren Cheswick in The Case Of The Drunken Loser Who Crashed His Bike last week. Dennis says something along the lines of "oh yeah," gives him a left-handed shake -- which is the ultimate insult in Stuckeyville -- and leaves. Ed's peeved. He gets to the front of the counter and orders "the usual." Coffee Girl doesn't know what that is. Ed begins to go off on a tirade about coming into this coffee shop for years, when Mike tells Ed just to let it go. Ed stews and says in a dejected voice, "Cream and five sugars."

Oh God. It's that horrible theme song again. Seriously, what grade of crack were the producers smoking when they thought this would make a good theme song? It's about as catchy as a smoke alarm going off. I'd rather listen to my wife talk about her day then listen to this theme song.

Commercials. Ooooo...I keep meaning to get out and buy some of those Crest White Strips, yet I seem to forget them every time I step into a pharmacy. I want my teeth to be blindingly white. I want to burn people's corneas with my choppers. I want to smile and have people say, "Holy shit!" and run for cover from the atomic whiteness of my smile. I've got to remember to pick up some of these bad boys.

Ed and Mike are leaving the coffee shop, and Ed's still going off on running into Dennis in the coffee shop. As I stated, Dennis gave Ed the left-handed shake, which is usually reserved for invalids and coma patients. Ed admits that Dennis just exudes cool, and wonders why they can't be as cool as the school principal. Mike asks to not be roped into this subject because Mike is, in fact, cool. Ed takes a look at him and says ,"Cool guys don't wear Dockers." Mike responds, "Dockers kick ass." Y'know...as if my day hasn't been going bad enough, now I hear that my slacks of choice are not cool. I've been wearing Dockers for twenty years and I had to find out from a freakin' TV show that I'm about as cool as getting a hummer from Grandma at a science fair.

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Ed

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