Ed
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Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Cool To Be Kind

Commercials. Jimmy Dean Sausage has now unveiled their new microwavable sausage patties with the slogan, "Wouldn't it be great if sausage cooked in less than a minute?" Well yes, J.D., that would just be swell. That way, I could get my arteries to clog up in a quarter of the time that it's currently taking me. Here's a hint, Jimbo: that toupee you wear? It looks like a bullet-riddled fruit bat. It may be time to share your bald pate with the rest of America.

In the alley, Phil walks up to a woman and wants to show her something. The woman almost panics with the thought of having L'il Stubby waved in her face. Phil tells her to watch as he levitates off of the floor. There's no camera tricks in this shot...and frankly, there's no magic, either. Phil is standing on the toes of his left foot, convinced that this is how magicians conjure up the illusion of levitation. He turns around and tells the woman, "Let's go make out." She shows restraint and manages not to spew vomit everywhere, simply saying, "I don't think so." Phil tells Kenny that son of a bitch David Blaine makes it look so easy. Kenny thinks Blaine uses computerized shoes in order to elevate his body weight. If Phil had any sense whatsoever, he'd disagree with Kenny. No disagreement ensues.

On a basketball court, Mike and Ed are shooting hoops when Dennis walks up. Ed asks if he's been running, and Dennis says he has, but that he's not as fast as he used to be. The subject painfully gets around to where Dennis is from, and he doesn't have a pat answer. He's been out west, overseas, New York City...NEW YORK CITY?!? Ed used to live there! Ed asks him if he ever made it to Zeal's, a hip little jazz club in NYC. Dennis admits he hadn't, and refrains from adding, "There's a million jazz clubs in New York City, you fucking bonehead." Dennis shoots one more ball and then excuses himself. Mike decides that the time is right to poke a little fun at Ed, and starts in on him. "Man...those cool cats could seriously bang, brother. They were far out." Ed tells Mike that he's focusing on the wrong thing here: Dennis is so much cooler than both of them. He's got that whole aloof disgruntled jerkweed asshole pattern down to a T.

Back at the alley, Molly comes walking in, all dolled up like a four-year-old who found Mama's makeup bag. Ed asks her, "What's going down" (which he pulled out of his witty repartee book), and she says she thinks she lost her pocket comb at the bowling alley. Which is the flimsiest excuse ever in the history of mankind. Jim the bowling-pin guy happens to be there, drilling holes in bowling balls. Molly says, "Here goes nothing," and walks over to Jim. She asks what he's doing, and he tells her. She asks whether she can give it a try, and he shows her how to do it by gently pulling the lever down. She yanks the lever down on the ball and it splits in two. She feels horrible as Jim explains it was a $200 ball she just destroyed, reminding her that the key word in the action was indeed "gently." Molly's about to cry as she admits she didn't know what she could have done to have the ball crack like that. Jim chuckles and tells her that the ball was already cracked. That wiseguy! He's the type of wiseguy you just want to playfully punch in the nuts. Repeatedly. He points out to her that the life of a bowling-ball salesman is not that glamorous, so he gets his kicks where he can.

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Ed

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