Good God. More commercials. Vanilla Sky is still a top-notch erotic thriller that has a surprise twist ending that every movie has had since The Sixth Sense made surprise twist endings mandatory. It's a shame the same concept can't be brought to television, so that every week on Ed, just as it looks like the show's about to end, Ed can start humping Nancy's leg while a naked Mike slowly sits on a plunger. Now that's an ending that would have the Ed forums buzzing all day.
Nancy's telling Carmella the nanny that they shouldn't be late from their bowling-alley Christmas party tonight when Mike enters the room, still a little hot from the whole "crrrrrumpet" incident. Nancy tries to tell him it was just a joke. Carmella hears the word "joke" and starts to spaz out because she has a joke to share: "Why did the bear cross the road?" she asks. Mike and Nancy are clueless while Evil Baby Sara is busy, quietly concocting a large dose of anthrax. "Because it was the chicken's day off!" she finishes, before bursting into peals of laughter over her joke. Mike and Nancy are finding it difficult to bust a gut over such a lame joke, so they grin uncomfortably which forces Carmella to try and explain the joke to them. Folks, there are few things worse in life than having a Mexican nanny try to explain a bad joke in broken English while you're squabbling with your mate. I guess maybe going blind from having bottle rockets shot at your eye sockets repeatedly for a few days might be worse, but other than that, I sure can't think of anything.
At the bowling alley, Phil is dressed as the cheapest-looking alien on the planet. He's wearing a cardboard box spraypainted silver and saying "Nanu Nanu" to people as they enter, welcoming them to Christmas on Venus. Ed runs into Carol, who thinks Ed's a bit jumpy. Ed says he just has the Christmas spirit, which is nature's caffeine. Drunk-Ass then walks in with one hot-assed mama on his arm. Carol sees them over Ed's shoulder and looks like she's about to vomit thumbtacks. Ed asks, "What?" and she says, "Nothing." An auction is taking place, and the next item up for bid is a dinner for two in one of Stuckeyville's finer establishments. Phil's conducting the auction, and after announcing what it is up for bid, he segues into auction mode, starting the bidding at $100. He throws in a few "Hey batter batter batter" phrases in there to make it sound like he's conducting a full-fledged auction when he's obviously never done this before. The bidding makes its way up to a final bid of $200 when Ed steps in. Ed gives a big long speech about charity and how it's the season of giving and how the Prescott Foundation will close without their support for this project. Plus about fifteen minutes of other facts and figures on charity since he has just recently been converted into the type of guy who actually does things for charity. He then sets the new starting bid price at $2,000. Everyone walks away like he just announced he's giving away jaundice in a bottle. This leaves Ed a bit upset because he was really hoping to score thousands of dollars for a dinner for two. I must have missed the episode where Ed was repeatedly dropped on his head until all his common sense seeped out his ears. Anybody got that one on tape?