Commercials. Wow. I had no idea Vanilla Sky was a top-notch erotic thriller. I thought it was a really lousy candle scent. And in case you were wondering, Tom Cruise is phenomenal in this top-notch erotic thriller. Since when did the word "phenomenal" become synonymous with "really, really gay"? ["Uncle Bob's views on Tom Cruise's sexuality are his own and do not reflect those of Mighty Big TV management. Also that was satire. Please do not sue us." -- Wing Chun]
Oh my goodness, we're back already. Ed is reeling from the top-notch erotic announcement that Prescott is penniless. Kapler seems to be taking great enjoyment of saying that the man is flat broke, 90\% homeless, as valuable as a wad of toilet paper. Apparently, Prescott is only rich in the head. He gave away all of his millions until he had nothing left. His personal account has been empty for a year. Ed says that the checks were written out of the Prescott Foundation's checkbook. This causes the top-notch erotic Kapler to break out into a cold sweat. He asks how much was written from that checkbook, and Ed says it was about $180,000. Kapler panics and says that was their operating budget for the year, which provides finances to keep the Stuckeyville shelter and soup kitchen open. Man. For such a quaint little burg, they must have a shitload of bums sleeping in gutters around there. I guess Carol will be trolling for one of them next.
Ed, Carol, Mike, and Nancy are having lunch at the Goat as Mike tries to comprehend Ed's story about Prescott. He asks whether Ed could have stopped payment on the checks; Ed says no, and that most of them have already been cashed anyway. Mike asks what Ed plans to do, and Ed says he has no choice but to go to every house for which Prescott supplied a decent Christmas, and take back as much as he can find. Mike says Ed's the Grinch, and has a heart three times too small. Ed retorts, "Unlike your big forehead." Ed and Carol walk out to go collect gifts and money while an embarrassed Mike tells Nancy that he's growing weary of the forehead jokes. Oh yeah, Mike? Try being seventy-five pounds overweight with a bald spot bigger than your head and so many chins that children want to use them as a filing system. See what kind of jokes that earns you, you humongous-foreheaded sonofabitch.
Ed and Carol pull up in the driveway of a a guy who's removing new Christmas gifts from his car. The guy recognizes Ed and tells his son to show the nice lawyer his new presents. Ed looks like he can't bear to do what he has to do, but he does it anyway. He farts in front of them. We next see Ed and Carol back in Ed's car with a time-lapse camera shot showing the pile of stuff returned as it keeps growing and growing. By the time they get back to the bowling alley, they have a full vehicle and a canoe strapped to the roof. Ed says that he's now officially the most hated man in Stuckeyville. He feels bad for taking a little old lady's bread machine from her. Carol tries to make him feel better by saying that nobody ever uses those things more than once anyway. Which reminds me of an old joke I used to tell back in my stand-up comedy days. Goes a little something like this: "Found out the other day I had a yeast infection. I would have never known except for the fact that every time I walked past an oven, my dick would swell up." Thank you, ladies and germs. Tip your bartenders and waitresses -- they've got crack habits to support too, y'know. Anyway, Carol has to leave to go to the faculty Christmas party she decorated by hanging mistletoe at six-inch intervals. Phil walks up and tells Ed that he's got some bad news...there's a no-return policy on the mechanical bull. He tells Ed it's a damned shame, too. Phil's about as transparent as Patsy Ramsey's alibi, but Ed doesn't argue with him.