We open the show old-school-style with a recap of what has come to be known as The Carol/Jackass Fiasco. Never in the history of television has a relationship been more doomed than this one. Let's see if I can recap the recap. Boy meets girl, girl falls for boy, boy is an incredible jackass, girl pursues boy, boy keeps being a bigger jackass, girl kisses boy, boy thinks for a second and tells girl he's an alcoholic, girl keeps pursuing boy and true love starts to blossom. Just watching this recap would give a coma patient enough information to determine that Carol Vessey is the most dysfunctional woman on the face of the planet. Heads of lettuce are capable of making better decisions than this woman. If Jackass ends up breaking her heart, she deserves every last morsel of pain heaped upon her. With a freakin' cherry on top.
Molly and Carol enter the school, which has been decorated for Christmas. Either that, or Jackass went on a bender, wrapped his car around another tree, and Martha Stewart's the new principal of Stuckeyville High. Carol looks around and admits that it looks like a winter wonderland inside the halls of SHS. Molly says that she's always had a problem with the song "Winter Wonderland," and Carol asks why. "In the meadow we can build a snowman," Molly recites. "And pretend that he is Parson Brown. He'll say, 'Are you married?' We'll say, 'No, man.'" Molly says that Parson Brown is a member of the clergy and deserves more respect than to be called "man." She then says, "Hey, man, hey, Parson Brown, man, hey, man" like she's Cheech and Chong's illegitimate daughter. You know...if Chong had a vagina. This whole "no, man" controversy clearly infuriates Molly, who I'm guessing is suffering from a wee bit of PMS if she's going to get this bent out of shape over her hatred of a Christmas carol. Carol mentions that "no, man" rhymes with "snowman," which is probably the reason the song shows such blatant disrespect for Molly's precious Parson Brown. Molly gulps down a hunk of chocolate and says, "WhatEVer," all snippy and shit. Principal Drunk-Ass walks up and asks Carol if she would mind coming to his office after sixth period to help polish his little German soldier. I'm sorry...I mean, he asks if she'd help with the faculty Christmas party. Carol clicks her heels together, raises her arm slightly above her face, stares longingly at Jackass's crotch, and says, "Heil Drunk-Ass!" Drunk-Ass takes this as a "yes" and continues strolling through the halls, frantically searching for any half-empty bottles of rum he might have hidden in a drunken stupor. Molly observes that there's enough electricity between Carol and Drunk-Ass to fuel a ferris wheel or at least a penlight. Molly's glad that, when something starts happening between the two of them, she'll be the first to know, because she'll see it in Carol's face. Carol winces and tells Molly she might want to take a better look. Molly looks and then gasps. Carol looks like she's about to puke.