Charity Cases

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: A | 1 USERS: A+
'Tis The Season To Be Clinically Insane

Drunk-Ass is sitting at his desk balling up paper and throwing it in his wastebasket. His secretary comes on his intercom and tells him that Carol Vessey is there to see him. Drunk-Ass thinks about it for a second and tells his secretary to tell Miss Vessey that he's busy and doesn't have time to see her. He balls up another sheet of paper and continues shooting baskets. Maybe that explains my problem with women. After I had sex with a woman for the first time, I wouldn't just blow her off completely the next day. No...I usually stalked her like a cat stalks a ball of yarn, calling her every fifteen minutes and buying her goofy little trinkets like Certs and individually wrapped condoms and leaving them on their doorstep for days on end until the restraining order was put into effect.

Mike comes home and hears classical music playing on the stereo. He's a bit taken aback, and walks into the dining room looking for Nancy and Sara bin Laden. He's shocked at what he finds. Both of them are dressed in Victorian clothing from the nineteenth century. Nancy is speaking in a heavy British accent as she offers Mike a "crrrrumpet." Mike says Nancy's mocking him. She insists she's not mocking Mike, and tells Evil Baby Sara to say hello to her "pa-PAH." Sara just stares at him, calculating how long it would take her to kick the heart out of his chest. Mike seems offended that Nancy isn't taking him seriously, and she insists that she is -- that's why she's offering him a crrrrrumpet! Mike starts to pout and Nancy says it's all in fun. Now dammit, you big-foreheaded beast, have a damned crrrrumpet!

Carol pops by Ed's place, where nearly everything he owns is boxed up. He says that he's giving everything away to charity; he doesn't need the majority of his belongings anymore. He feels strange wearing a $150 watch when there are people who can't even afford high-speed cable internet access in this country. Carol sees two pair of pants hanging in Ed's closet, and he says he has one pair and then a backup pair. That's all he needs. Two guys come in to start hauling all the stuff out to their truck as Ed tells them that everything must go. One of the guys asks, "Even the TV?" and Ed assures them that the TV goes as well. Carol freaks and tells the men that the TV does not go. Ed informs Carol that he's capable of living a long and healthy life without watching The Education of Max Bickford. Carol starts acting like she's Ed's wife, saying that Ed's gone crazy, and that this has all been a big mistake. Ed tells the men to haul it all off.

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