Opening credits. I know last week I said the theme song was starting to grow on me, but I've now realized that I couldn't have been more wrong. I feel like six-inch-long spikes are being hammered into my eardrums. I curl up into a fetal position and rock back and forth, speaking in tongues until the theme song ends.
Ahhh...commercials. Did you know that if you really want your woman to slob on your knob on a daily basis, it's a pretty smart move to give her jewelry for Christmas? This would explain why my wife's still not talking to me after giving her a lifetime of oil changes for her car for our anniversary. And here I just thought she was an ungrateful heifer who wanted to change her own damned oil.
We come back to Carol's classroom, where Molly's about five seconds away from having a complete and utter breakdown because she didn't pick up on the fact that Carol and Drunk-Ass have been grinding crotch nubbies. Molly wants to know why Carol didn't tell her, but then says she always knew that the two of them would eventually get it on. Molly wants to know how far they've gone, and Carol quietly mumbles, "Anal beads." No...not really. She says they've kissed. Molly asks who made the first move, and is shocked to find out that it was Carol who first went tongue-fishing in Drunk-Ass's throat. Molly wants to know whether this means that they're dating, and Carol says she doesn't want to be the type to date her boss. Molly insists that she and Ed smelled this a mile away, and it smelled like three-day-old beer shits. Carol says that must have been coming from Drunk-Ass's apartment. Molly asks if Ed knows yet, and Carol sheepishly says no. Molly demands that Carol tell Ed about this, "the sooner the better." Carol says she will...eventually. Molly asks if Drunk-Ass is a good kisser, and Carol grins and says, "Yeah." Molly observes that Christmas came early to Stuckeyville this year. Carol has visions of sugar plums dancing in her head while a drunk and naked Drunk-Ass sits in the corner with a lampshade on his head and a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hands, saying, "Get these damned sugar plums away from me!"
Meanwhile, Mike saunters into his kitchen eating a Pop-Tart and looking for a pair of socks. He's completely naked and a strategically placed kitchen counter conceals his naughty bits. The Evil Baby Sara is sitting in her high chair, silently plotting the world's demise using Cheerios to represent missile sites. Mike stops and stares at the Evil Baby Sara, and the Evil Baby Sara looks at Mike and then slowly her eyes follow his chest hair and rest on his Mikey Meat. Mike looks a bit uncomfortable having his baby daughter checking out his enormous genitalia, and covers himself with a plate. Well, not "himself"...his bad parts. His pork and beans. His Scooby snacks. You know what I mean. Don't make me spell it out.