Ed
Crazy Time

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Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Roll Out Those Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Children's Television Hosts With Psychotic Tendencies

So anyway...we're back in Molly's classroom, where Molly's reading out the seating charts for the year. She gets to Warren's table line-up. Starting for the Dweebs is Warren "Not a Hair On My" Cheswick. Playing tackle will be MegaMark Hmmuhfummuh. (I can't remember his last name and don't really want to exert any effort in researching it. This is my ass. Bite it. Bite it hard. Bite it long.) And serving as cheerleader...you know her, you love her...it's...it's...it's...well, it sure as hell ain't Jessica Martell. Ladies and gentlemen...Warren's tablemate is Diane Somebodyorother! Yes, apparently Molly caught on to Warren's little scam and rather than have the mischievous little imp thrown out of school for tampering with school property, she just put the boys with a girl who may not be the most attractive girl in school...she may not be the prom queen...but dammit...there's something special about this girl and these boys are going to LEARN that! Warren decides that being lumped with the class tards isn't going to hold him back. It didn't hold back Sir Edgar Mallory when he climbed Mt. Everest. MegaMark corrects him by saying it was Sir Edward Mallory. Diane corrects them both with "Sir Edmund Hillary," and tells Warren that he will have a better chance of climbing Mt. Everest than he ever will of wearing Jessica's panties on his head. MegaMark wants to know how Diane knew about Warren's undying dedication to the Martell Machine. Diane says she's a psychic. Warren says he's in Hell, yet there's no Bonnie Hane anywhere. Diane says that when she found out she was going to be sharing a table for a year with the two biggest jackasses in school (if you don't count the principal), she wasn't exactly throwing a parade. MegaMark tells her to not lump him in with Warren; MegaMark's just a man of science. No, bud. You're an oddity of science. A freak of nature. I'll bet you $10 you can't find your penis.

A side note if you will -- and if you won't, just skip on down to the next paragraph and let me pontificate for a few moments. Has anyone ever thought to figure out that the teens are just junior editions of the main characters? The teens are going through the same trials and tribulations that the adults did in high school. I've always thought Warren was a young Ed. But now I realize that Jessica is Carol, MegaMark is Mike, and now Diane is Molly. Think about it. Get back with me on it. Pop quiz on Friday.

At the bowling alley, Ed and Jim are having a lighthearted yet stimulating conversation about bowling when Phil makes the heartbreaking announcement that Wally Loser has been missing for thirty-six hours. Ed springs into action and says he's going to go talk to Dr. Crazy. Christ. This is starting to sound like a recap of Smallville or something.

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Ed

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