By the way, all of you who have ragged me lately for my disparaging remarks against a fictitious television character: seriously, go to your local bank, take out a loan, and purchase a life. Scarlett O'Hara was a tramp. Hannibal Lecter is socially retarded. Mother Goose was a welfare Mom. There. Three more fictitious characters get assassinated by a single keystroke. I'm a bad man, Mama. Don't you forget it.
Hey! Look! Commercials! Fisher-Price has a new Crawl and Cruise Playground! Watch as I get up to go urinate!
Back at the alley, Kenny's asking Shirley how she likes her eggs. She says "runny." He asks Ed, who likes his "over easy." Kenny and Shirley snicker, and Ed's confused. Phil runs in. Hey! Good news! Wally Loser has been found unharmed in Chesterport, scoring some black tar heroin! Yippee! I love happy endings! But wait...this isn't the ending. Wally's parents walk in and want Ed to represent them in their lawsuit against Dr. Crazy. That sonofabitch needs to be punished for steering their kid into a world of drug dealers and Democrats. Ed tells them that if they go to court, the defendant will try to paint them to be lousy parents. Wally's parents reiterate that their precious little loser-boy could have been killed, and that it's up to them to teach Dr. Crazy a much-needed lesson. And possibly a lecture on hair-care products.
In Molly's classroom, Warren has decided that he is going to go to the mic and rap at the Pep Rally. MegaMark admits that rap doesn't do it for him...he's more of a singer-songwriter guy -- Carly Simon, James Taylor, Britney Spears. Maybe it's just me, but it seemed as if MegaMark was trying to impress Diane, who looks like her idea of a sensitive singer-songwriter would be Marilyn Manson. Diane asks Warren to hop on the monorail to leave Fantasyland and come to Main Street, USA; the student body doesn't want to see Warren get up on stage. They want Fozzkat and Jessica Martell and all of the popular kids up there. If Warren gets up there, he's just going to crash and burn. Warren tells Diane that she's not an expert on this stuff, and Diane tells Warren to meet her at the library after school. MegaMark remembers that he has Spanish Club, and Diane says "Good for you," thus shooting the big man down in flames.
In court, Crazy's lawyer wants to know what Crazy's intent was when he told Wally Loser to leave town and go be a teenage male hustler. That was never Crazy's intent, he says; he makes a living out of being these children's friend. He did tell Wally to get out of this godforsaken town quickly. He says he's sorry it happened, but that he's not the one responsible for Wally's disappearance. I actually feel sorry for Dr. Crazy. I can't count the number of hearts that I've broken when little kids write me, wanting to tell me how much they like my recaps and want to grow up to be just like me and then I write them back, asking them to send me naked photos of their mothers. I feel the Crazy Man's pain. I truly do. But enough about me. Ed gets up and asks Dr. Crazy if he's ever eaten at Smokehouse Billy's BBQ Ribs. Crazy says he has, and that they have a wonderful onion loaf and keep their bathrooms nice and neat. Ed asks whether he thinks the potato salad is to die for or what? Crazy says it is, but that the cole slaw is the side item to beat. Ed pulls up a chair and they go on and on about BBQ side items for about three and a half hours. Finally, Ed moves on. Ed wants to know how many times Crazy's paid for a meal there. Well...if you want an exact number, the answer is "never." Ed points out that Crazy's show soundly beats Seinfeld and 227 in the local markets. The judge wants to know what 227 is. Ed says it's the show starring the first lady of gawdawful stage and screen...Jackee. The judge makes a note of it, since he apparently didn't know the show was in syndication. The point Ed's trying to make is that Dr. Crazy is a freakin' celebrity, and that with that celebrity comes responsibilities. He asks Crazy whether he remembers telling kids to go to a local nursing home to volunteer their time. Crazy does. He asks Crazy whether he knows how many kids showed up. Crazy doesn't. Try 223 kids, Crazy...223 kids! On a Saturday afternoon! To hang out with old people and pretend to be interested in their stories about what life was like before the wheel was invented as they helped them lug their colostomy bags around! Jeezum Crow, Crazy...that's a heckuva lotta kids! That's more kids than John Wayne Gacy had buried under his house!