Crazy Time

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
Roll Out Those Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Children's Television Hosts With Psychotic Tendencies

Molly and Carol are walking into the bowling alley looking for Ed. Molly clearly doesn't want to be there, because she might run into Jim, who she has clearly repulsed in some form or fashion. Phil approaches them and tells the ladies that he's taught himself how to do a backflip; do they want to see it? Carol says no and asks where Ed is. Phil says he's still in court; do they want to see his backflip? Carol tells him no once again. Phil walks away dejected as Jim walks up, surprising the ladies and making the butterflies in Molly's stomach vomit. Jim tells them that he's about finished resetting the pins and wants to know if Molly wants to come hang out at the Smiling Goat with him and his buddies and then later on get passed around from buddy to buddy like a Phillies Blunt in a hooptie. Molly says okay and Jim gets excited. He walks away, and Molly complains that she's got the willpower of a lima bean. Molly and Carol walk offscreen, and in the background, Phil is showing Kenny and Shirley his backflip. He jumps up in the air, arms and legs flailing, and lands painfully on his back in a crumpled heap. It's both the worst excuse for a backflip and the funniest sight gag I've ever seen on television.

Back in court, Mama Loser's getting grilled as to why she's such a horrible mother. She's asked whether Wally has any friends in school, and she answers that he's shy. Is he happy? He's regular. Has he ever come home with the words "Total Loser" scrawled across his shirt? Well...only once, which...c'mon, how many kids haven't come home with slurs written all over them? Is he a loner who comes home from school, goes to his room, pulls the shades, and plays videogames until dawn? Houston, we have a winner! The lawyer asks Mama whether she's ever had the kid psychologically tested, and Mama says she hasn't because there's nothing troubling the kid. The lawyer shouts that her boy is a loser, and that if they're such good parents, why can't they figure out why he ran away? The judge is screaming, "Order in the court!" Al Pacino runs in and tells everyone that they're out of order, he's out of order, the whole f'n judicial system is out of order. Charlton Heston parts the Red Sea and E.T. phones home and the scene ends. In that order.

In the library, Warren asks Diane if she called him in here to see if Dewey invented a brand-new funky-assed Decimal system. Apparently, Diane had her funny bone removed several years earlier, because she sits there stone-faced like a smack addict. Diane has gone to the trouble of pulling fifty years' worth of Stuckeyville High yearbooks and putting Post-It notes on each page with a Homecoming King's photo on it. She tells Warren to take a look at any of them. Warren sees one from the 1970s with a turned-up collar and wishes they'd bring that look back. He looks at a few more and keeps seeing the same thing...studs. Fifty years of studs. Sounds like Uncle Bob's family reunion. Amazingly, through Diane's extensive research, it is determined that never in the history of Stuckeyville High has a dweeb like Warren been crowned Homecoming King. Warren wants to know what she's getting at, and Diane begs him not to make her say it. Basically, the meek will inherit Stuckeyville in fifteen years or so, when Fozzkat will have a beer gut and all the studious dweebs will have nice jobs and nice homes. Just. Not. Now. Warren explodes as quietly as possible, being in a library and all, and tells Diane that his dad was a nerd and God bless him...he's still a nerd, but Warren's going to break the mold and become a Homecoming King. He tells Diane to hold on because they're going to have a rocking year.

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