Ed
Ends And Means

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Ends And Means

Mike: Way to use your noodle, there, Ed.
Ed: That's just what Nancy said to me this morning.
Mike: Oh, you're very good.
Ed: That's just what Nancy said to me this morning.
Mike: [pause] You finished yet?
Ed: That's just what Nancy said to me this morning.

Speaking of Nancy, she's having lunch with Carol and Molly. Nancy complains that she's bored, and needs to get out of the house, and that Mike doesn't understand, because he's "decompressing." Nancy doesn't want lunch with Carol and Molly -- the " losers" -- to be the highlight of her day. Molly hits Nancy in the head with a straw wrapper. Carol suggests that Nancy work at the school as a substitute teacher, because all you need is a college degree, and Carol is in charge of hiring. How convenient. Carol hires Nancy. Molly suggests that Carol interview Nancy first. Carol asks where Nancy sees herself in five years, and Nancy responds, "Sitting here with you losers." Molly hits Nancy with another straw wrapper, which is probably good practice for substitute teaching, now that I think about it.

Kate walks into Stuckey Bowl. Ed asks Mike how he looks. Mike says that Ed looks like Brad Pritt. Ed thinks that Mike meant to say "Brad Pitt," but Mike is talking about Brad Pritt, a "goofy-looking bastard" Mike knew in college. Ed says hello to Kate and introduces Mike. Kate says that she's had "a change of heart" and wants to fight for her job. She asks Ed if he can help, and Mike answers, "Yeah!" Ed tells Kate to come into his office.

Kate and Ed ditch Mike before entering the office. Kate explains that the accountants at Morrison Crane found a bogus check for $20,000 made out to cash. Kate says that this happens every few years; somebody falsifies a claim and cuts a bad check. This time, the company wanted to make an example of someone. Ed asks why they picked her, and Kate says that the janitor saw her at work after hours the same night the check was cut. Ed asks why she was there late, and Kate admits that she got sucked into playing online backgammon. She doesn't have a computer at home? Ed makes a joke about how backgammon is probably like Yahtzee. Kate asks what they do next, and Ed says that Morrison Crane doesn't have enough evidence to fire her, so he's going to go there and scare them with some "fancy lawyer talk."

Nancy works on a lesson plan for her first day of substitute teaching. Unless she's a long-term sub, she wouldn't need to make a lesson plan, but whatever. Mike teases her, but Nancy is trying to work. Mike wants to go for ice cream, and yells that he has a coupon for free jimmies. Nancy ignores him until he hits her in the head with a paper airplane. What's with Nancy getting hit in the head with paper products this week? Nancy asks what he's doing, and Mike explains that he's trying to prepare her for working as a sub. Nancy says that her students are going to love her. Mike thinks they will love "making [Nancy] weep with misery." Nancy has a whole plan, but Mike keep bringing up stories about pain inflicted on substitute teachers until Nancy tells him to go away.

Ed walks up on Phil, Shirley, and Kenny, who are doing something goofy, as usual. This week, Phil is trying to prove that you can't eat a whole loaf of white bread in under a minute. Shirley times Phil as he stuffs slice after slice into his mouth, giggling all the while. Ed explains that it's an old bar bet, and the deal is that you can't eat a single slice of white bread in under a minute. Phil looks chagrined. Kenny shakes his head in disgust. Ed explains that Frank King called, and he wants to rent Stuckey Bowl for his son's birthday party. Ed is putting the Goofball Trio in charge. Shirley tells a story about how she used to be allowed to eat tons of candy on her birthday until the malted milk ball incident. Don't we all have one of those in our past? Phil thinks that they should roast the birthday boy in the style of Dean Martin. Ed doesn't like that idea, since the kid is nine years old. Kenny suggests balloons. Ed likes that idea.

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