Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: B+ | Grade It Now!
Revenge Of The Nerd-Haters
Why do I get the feeling that Shirley's in over her head? Why do I have the mental image of Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance working on an assembly line with Lucy shoving chocolates into her mouth because the line's moving too fast? I'm tellin' ya...this set-up has all the makings for some classic comedic tour de force farce courtesy of Shirley. Phil tells Ed that he's "swimming with sharks." Phil reeks of jealousy. Or...that could be my feet. It's probably my feet.

Carol's class is over and the majority of students are leaving to go smoke some crack rock in the bathrooms. Carol asks Clark to stay behind because she has something to talk to him about. She tells Clark that she's noticed he hasn't been himself lately. He says he's fine. Warren steps in and tells Clark he can trust Ms. Vessey because she's rock-and-roll solid. Carol tells Warren that she's trying to have a private conversation with the class geek, but Clark says he'd rather Warren stayed around. Carol agrees. I expect him to admit his love for Warren and for the two to engage in a homosexual lip-lock that will have Baptists up in arms for months, but that doesn't happen. The skinny is...Coach Kerwin, the drill sergeant posing as a gym teacher at Stuckeyville High, has told Clark that he's going to get a D in gym class if he doesn't pass the fitness exam which consists of sit-ups, chin-ups, mad dashes across the gymnasium's floor, and a lengthy public shower afterwards without anyone making fun of the size of his genitalia. As it stands, Clark's about as athletically inclined as Jared before his Subway diet. And he's hung like a mouse. If Clark gets a D, it will screw up his entire GPA as well as his chances of ever getting a college scholarship. Carol asks if Clark tries his best. Clark says he does. Carol cannot fathom this. In her eyes, if a kid tries his best, he should get at least a B. Carol says she's going to take care of this and for Clark to quit losing sleep over it. Clark thanks her, and Warren puts his arm around Carol and tries to subtly cop a feel to no avail.

Meanwhile, Mike has his nifty doctor suit on and is having a conference with a patient. The patient is claiming that she's "itchy." Mike asks where on her body is she itching. I smell a Vagisil infomercial coming on, but she says she itches all over. Suddenly, Dr. Jerome bursts in. Jerome wants to see Mike's diploma. Mike says it's on his wall. Jerome marches over to the wall and stares at the diploma, admiring the forgery of whoever scribbled it, saying it looks just like the real thing. Apparently, last week, a Mr. Gatehouse came into the practice with a blistering skin condition on his forearm. Mike saw him and treated him. Jerome questions the medications that Mike prescribed for him in words that are way too big for me to transcribe here. The bottom line is, Gatehouse now has a rash that would make the Elephant Man queasy to look at. Mike disagrees with Jerome's diagnosis of the problem and Jerome tells him that he isn't allowed to disagree with Jerome and calls him a "knuckle-dragging cretin." He tells Mike that he's been practicing medicine for fifty years and Mike's only been practicing since lunch. He tells Mike that he is a man, while Mike is a boy. He knows everything and Mike knows nothing. He exits the room, but pauses to tell the itchy lady that she's being treated by a talking horse.

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