Ed
Goodbye Sadie

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Racism Is Alive and Well in Stuckeyville

All right, that was a pretty snippy thing to say about a Drama teacher -- to imply that he's gay just because he teaches Drama. I apologize. Just because he's a Drama teacher in a junior high school doesn't necessarily mean that he likes to be called "Betty" while he takes it up the butt. I'm truly sorry.

Meanwhile, Warren's cruising the halls of Stuckeyville High when Diane approaches him. She wants to know when he started thinking that wearing turtlenecks to school might be a good idea. He tells her not to start on him, adding that if she doesn't watch it, Warren might snap and do something drastic like break a pencil or something. This Warren...he's a maniac, Diane. You're messin' with fire when you talk smack about his apparel. She says he reminds her of someone but she can't decide who it is; she then changes the subject and tells him she's had a great idea for their project. She admits that having him join the wrestling team wasn't a home run, but it was a strong single and got him on the map with Jessica Martel. Warren informs her that he was already on the map with Jessica during the last school year. It's always the same thing -- he does something heroic, and the next day Jessica smiles and says "hi." Nothing ever happens. There's never any hot monkey sex. Diane says that this time it will be different because Diane's helping him. She tells Warren to meet her at the Smiling Goat after school and then realizes who it is that he reminds her of: actor/director David Schwimmer. She tries to get him to say, "Monica, where's my monkey?" but Warren refuses, embarrassed. Diane walks away grinning as he slips into Schwimmer mode and says, "They haven't used that monkey in ten years! Nnnnngh." I've gotta admit, the kid does look like David Schwimmer -- that is, if Schwimmer were just a tad cooler than he actually is.

Carol and Ed are sitting in a booth at the alley, eating like Afghan refugees in a buffet line, when Ed announces that there's no food he doesn't like. Carol thinks about it and says, "Okra?" Ed likes okra. "Liver?" she asks. Ed likes liver. "Dog?" Ed says he loves hot dogs. Carol says she meant actual dogs, like poodles and hounds and schnauzers and stuff. Ed says that people don't eat dog, but Carol reminds him that in Korea they most certainly do. It's a delicacy over there; even the ritzy Koreans won't pass up a piping hot bowl of dog soup. Ed thinks about it and says he's sure he'd like dog, too. Meanwhile, a nerdy PETA member just busted out a pencil and paper and began composing hate mail to NBC for suggesting that a main character would actually eat Man's Best Friend, not fully grasping the concept of a "joke." Molly walks up and says that Arnie Bancroft is being fired. There was a 7-2 vote in favor of his termination at the Board of Education meeting. Molly and Carol think Ed should help the guy because he's not a racist, he's just a teacher who doesn't want to see people with different skin colors than his advance in this world. Ed says he'll look into it, but that he won't have anything to do with the case if it's proven that Arnie Bancroft is indeed a racist scumbag pig. Jim comes in and kisses Molly hello, which means they've officially reached the "wet greeting" stage. He says that he's taking Molly shopping for a new car today. Ed says, "You sold Sadie?!" with a tinge of horror in his voice, making Molly feel like warmed-over crap. Jim freaks out behind her, trying to silence Ed from any more Sadie praise. He says "ixnay on the Sadienay" or however you'd translate "Sadie" to Pig Latin. ["That would be 'adie-snay.'" -- Wing Chun] Molly says she heard that, and Jim tells her, as they walk out, that there's no way she could have decoded that. Carol observes Jim and Molly and says, "They've got a whole relationship thing," and Ed agrees, adding that Ed and Carol are left with night after night of empty physical pleasure. Carol smirks as if Ed Stevens ever has a chance of tying her to a bed and cleaning her pipes with various plumber's utensils.

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