Ed
Goodbye Sadie

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Racism Is Alive and Well in Stuckeyville

Warren and Diane walk into the bowling alley. Warren tells Ed he needs a chooch. Ed asks what a "chooch" is, and Warren translates his wacky teenage slang into Edspeak: a "chooch" is a "favor." Warren needs Ed to find him a beautiful lady. Ed mentions that this is the same conversation they always have. Allison the publicist walks in with her cell phone, telling Freddie Prinze Jr. that she wants him to wear a frilly shirt and carry a whip for a magazine cover shoot. Allison introduces herself to Ed and instantly spots Shirley, saying that she's the beautiful lady they need for Warren's little photo shoot. Warren panics and says, "No!" but Allison assures him that with a little TLC, Shirley will be perfect. Allison walks over to Shirley and asks her if she'd like to be in a photo shoot. Shirley pours a freshly made milkshake straight into a glass without ever diverting her eyes from Allison's. It's an amazing feat and something that would make David Copperfield gasp. Shirley gives Allison a defiant "no!" and walks away. Allison goes after her and assures Warren that she'll talk Shirley into doing it. Warren thanks Ed for the chooch, and Ed tells him to stop using that term. I've noticed that Ed becomes a crusty curmudgeon whenever Warren's around. Maybe he's still stewing about the time Warren called him a bitch.

Molly goes up to someone's front door and knocks. A young Steve Buscemi lookalike answers the door. He really looks like the bastard child of Steve Buscemi and a zombie wolf. Molly tells this kid -- who happens to be named Russell -- that she wants to buy her old car back from him. They walk out to the car and she asks what happened to the hubcaps. Russell has already sold them. Molly says she'll give him $150 for the car, but Russell says he needs $500. Jim scoffs and says that he's only had the car for thirty-six hours. Russell informs them that he has sunk some money into this heap o' shit and got the sonofabitch Jiffy Lubed. Russell changes his tune to $250 and an automatic C+ in science. Molly writes him a check for $250. He asks about the C+ and she tells him that will cost five grand. He asks, "Really?" and she says no. It's scenes like this that make me wish the producers wouldn't give Michael Ian Black the week off.

Warren and Diane are sitting in Stuckeyville Park. Warren's starting to have second thoughts about using Diane's cousin as his publicist, since she also represents Freddie Prinze Jr., who keeps making crappy teen horror movies. Which is apparently a dig against Warren's feature film debut, the admittedly crappy teen horror flick Jeepers Creepers released this past summer. Personally, I liked the film, but I watched it on my computer and didn't pay anything for it, so I can't really argue. As he speaks, he looks up and emits a "hubba hubba!" A hot-looking Shirley -- dressed in leather, showing cleavage, and wearing hip sunglasses -- is slowly teetering her way toward them. It's obvious that Shirley doesn't have much experience in high heels, since she looks like a card house about to collapse. Warren is making goo-goo eyes at Shirley, who looks about as comfortable as a cow in a slaughterhouse. Allison makes them stand together and tells them to act like they're young and in love while she tries to take a picture. She asks them to canoodle, but Shirley replies that she doesn't want to canoodle. Allison asks them to give her a big laugh. Warren responds with geeky nervous laughter while Shirley stands there looking like herself if she became a dominatrix. Diane steps in and asks Shirley if she's ever been in love. Shirley says that she dated a park ranger named Donald whose grandfather invented the ballpoint pen. Diane tells Shirley to pretend, for the sake of the photo, that Warren is Donald. Allison snaps a photo just as Shirley's eyes grow wide, and she's frozen in a bizarre facial expression with a huge demonic grin. As soon as the photo's taken, her face immediately returns to its standard uncomfortable glare.

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