Ed
Goodbye Sadie

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Racism Is Alive and Well in Stuckeyville

We then see Molly and Jim pushing Sadie down the street. You can tell that Jim's beginning to have second thoughts of ever asking Molly out. I mean, she may be the Chesty Morgan of Stuckeyville, but Jimbo's finding out that hooters ain't everything when the girl drives an Edsel. Molly thanks him for helping push her car and he corrects her, saying that it's not a car -- it's a metal albatross. He then apologizes and says that, actually, this has been the most exercise he's had since 1993. Which I think might be a hint that he's a little hot for teacher, if you get my drift and I think you might, but you know...sometimes my metaphors are about as broad as Molly's ass. He asks her what is it with her and that goddamned car; why the emotional bond? Molly sighs and asks him to join her for dinner. Jim sighs and says that's exactly the same thing she does whenever he asks her a question. She says that the reason she can sigh and avoid questions is because she's adorable when she's a freak. I'm beginning to agree with her. He's always helping her push her car around town and whining about it...so why don't they ever take his car? Maybe because he doesn't have one. Maybe he's a bigger drunkard than Principal Drunk-Ass. Maybe he's got a deep secret, too, that could threaten their relationship. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Carol busts all up in Ed's office, sporting a kindly old gentleman on her arm. She introduces him as Victor Sedaka (no relation to Neil...I checked), and he says that he's got something they need to know about Mr. Crane, the guy who wants to get rid of Mr. Bancroft. It turns out that when Bancroft first applied for the job five years ago, Crane said they didn't need "his type" at Stuckeyville High. As it turns out...Mr. Bancroft is gay. Oh isn't this just super?! Here I was making jokes about the Drama teacher being gay, and lo and behold, the guy's gayer than a Judy Garland film festival. Meanwhile, my job is to write an uproariously funny recap of the show and they bog me down with material surrounding racism and homophobia. Geez, if we could just somehow work in a bone cancer subplot, this could possibly be the most depressingly PC recap I've ever had to scrawl.

Over at Stuckey Bowl, Warren and Diane are bowling. Warren tells her that, when all this is over with and he's dry humping Jessica Martel in the back of his daddy's station wagon, he's going to take care of Diane. He's decided that he's going to let her go through the Sharper Image catalog and pick out anything she wants...as long as it's under $50. Diane tosses off a sarcastic "gee thanks," and he points out that they have some sweet-assed laser pointers in that catalog. Oh that's just grand, Warren. Buy the girl something that will burn her corneas to a crisp if she accidently looks at it. Way to score points there, Michael Jordan. Allison comes up to ask how her favorite jet-setting playboy is doing, and whether he's ready for Round II of "Who Wants To Be A Popular Cheerleader Deflowerer?" Warren is, and Allison says that next he'll be throwing a party! Warren is practically rendered speechless and suggests that it be a Murder Mystery Party where they hide clues all over the house. Diane rolls her eyes, and Allison quickly changes the subject. She tells Warren to pick out the five coolest kids in school. He reels off Fozzcat, Jessica, Ashley, Jake, and Tommy. Allison hands him a handful of cards to leave in their lockers. The cards have Warren's phone number and the time 4:00 on them. Warren asks if it's an invitation, and she says, "Sort of." She then gets a phone call from David Leisure. Both Diane and Warren look at her and give her the "who?!" face. Allison says, "Joe Isuzu!" and they both mentally recognize the guy now. I'm proud to say I knew who he was as soon as she said "David Leisure." Not that I'm a huge fan, but I have this uncanny knack for recognizing pop culture icons by their stage names. Well...not really. I just wanted to appear cool.

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