Home Is Where The Ducks Are

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: D | Grade It Now!
Everything's Ducky In Stuckeyville

Back to the show. Carol is walking through the town square when Molly comes waddling up. Molly is now looking like Carnie Wilson after a three-week-mint-chocolate-chip-ice-cream binge. At first glance, my initial thought was, "How did they manage to get a wool jacket on that barn?" until I realized it was Molly. Molly asks Carol what's wrong...she looks so incredibly happy for a change. Carol gushes that she feels like a new woman now that she's dumped Nick. She feels like the last seven years of her life were frozen in time...like Walt Disney. She's figured out what she wants out of life now and has decided to go for it. Meanwhile, Molly is mentally polishing off a pizza.

Ed and Mike are strolling through town on Ed's journey to the mayor's office. Mike compliments Ed on his snappy fashions on this particular day and calls him "handsome." Being called handsome by his best friend causes Ed to bristle somewhat, and Mike pushes the envelope on the subject by asking why men can't tell each other they're handsome -- women do it all the time. Ed reluctantly agrees that it's okay to call each other "handsome." Mike asks Ed what he thinks is Mike's most handsome feature. Ed doesn't hesitate when he says, "Your forehead."

In the bowling alley, a man walks up to Phil's counter and asks if it's too late to take part in the tournament. Phil gives him a written test that the man has to complete in less than a minute in order to compete. The first question was such a complex, scientific question that it pained my skull even to try and comprehend it. The man then reads the next question aloud: "Are Asian women really hot?" It's all a matter of personal opinion, but if I had my way, the Pittster would constantly have two Asian nineteen-year-old twins latched onto me like I was a prime piece of sushi for the rest of eternity.

While Mr. Mustachio takes the pop quiz, Phil senses something going on in the bowling alley. What is it? It's the future of American bowling, wrapped up in a young teenage boy, played by Samm Levine of Freaks and Geeks fame. Yep, the same kid that warbled Billy Joel's "Big Shot" a few episodes ago is back as a bowler. Phil runs over to the young man and says, "Well I'll be a beefsteak tomato...what's your name?" The kid replies, "Kevin Schwartz." Phil counters with, "Not anymore it's not. From now on you're Shazam...Jacobson."

Phil automatically latches on to the kid and announces himself as Shazam's new trainer...his sensai. Phil asks the kid why he's not in school. Shazam says he's on lunch break. That's when Phil lays down the rules. Rule #1: stay in school. Rule #2: stay off the pipe. At this point, Phil grabs the kid's arm and checks it for needle marks, asking Shazam if he's been "chasing the dragon." Shazam, along with several hundred thousand other viewers, has no idea what that means. Me? I laughed until I choked. The third rule dealt to Shazam was simple: never question the sensai.

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