Ed
Home Is Where The Ducks Are

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Everything's Ducky In Stuckeyville

While Phil is harassing teenage bowling phenomena, Ed gets to the mayor's office and is confronted by the mayor's secretary who has a voice like someone clawing their way out of a coffin with a rusted fork. The secretary tells Ed to walk on into the mayor's office. Ed opens the door and is confronted with a nude woman, which is pretty much par for the course in most mayor's offices nationwide. Ed spots the mayor at a canvas, painting the young woman. The mayor explains that he paints nudes to pass the time since being mayor of Stuckeyville ain't such a high-pressure gig. The Mayor wants to sue the publishers of the Guide to Small Town USA who have been giving Stuckeyville three-star ratings for the last several years. In the mayor's eyes, three stars equals "average." Plus, the guides keep referring to Stuckeyville as a "cute, quaint, totally unremarkable hamlet," which seems to irritate the Mayor. The Mayor's idea is simple...sue the publisher and keep the book out of the bookstores. Coincidentally, the book is scheduled for release three days before Election Day -- the first election in which somebody has the gonads to run against the mayor.

The mayor and Ed go for a stroll through downtown Stuckeyville. The mayor's wearing a monocle, which Ed comments that he's never seen on anyone short of Mr. Monopoly. I get the feeling the mayor wears the monocle to look and feel more important than he is. At least...that's the reason I wear mine around the house. The mayor points out the town's bookstore, which has been around since the 1920s. He says that his opponent would like to see a big, huge bookstore chain move into town along with the dreaded strip malls. The mayor says chain bookstores and strip malls can kiss his Stuckeyvillian ass. The Mayor asks Ed to come to the mayoral debate in the town square the following day and to bring a noisemaker. The mayor walks away, and Ed spots Carol.

Carol has bought a bag full of books from the bookstore, which Ed figures are porno magazines. As it turns out, they're travel books. Carol's thinking about leaving Stuckeyville...FOR GOOD!! Ed stares at her in disbelief as we segue into some commercials.

You know, if I were six years old, I'd piss my pants if my parents dragged me to The Grinch. Jim Carrey frightens the shit out of me now, and I'm thirty-six. If you go see the movie, and you hear someone whimpering like a dog with his nuts stuck in a vise grip, that'll be me cowering in fear.

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Ed

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