Ed
Home Is Where The Ducks Are

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Everything's Ducky In Stuckeyville

Ludwig announces to the crowd that he wants Stuckeyville to have fast-food hamburgers, cappuccinos, and seven-day video rentals. The crowd cheers. The mayor then gets his rebuttal and asks the people not to let Ludwig turn Stuckeyville into a carbon copy of every other town in America. A man in the crowd hollers out, "What's wrong with America?" and then a "USA" chant starts up, sucking the entire crowd into it. The mayor slumps dejectedly at the podium.

After the debate, Ed tells the mayor that he will help him out by calling the publishing company and trying to halt the book's release by a few days. The mayor is grateful for Ed's caring ways and offers to take him over to Waterbed World where the back door's always open. Ed graciously declines the offer of getting humped like a wooden leg by the mayor.

Inside the bowling alley, Carol walks in and finds Ed. Ed has found a solution to Carol's problem. He has signed her up for a writer's weekend retreat an hour from Stuckeyville. It's obvious that this excursion isn't going to satiate Carol's desire to get the hell out of Dodge, but she agrees to it anyway because Ed went to the trouble of setting it up when she obviously never even considered such an act.

As they're talking, Judy Helman from the Guide to Small Town USA shows up. She was on her way to nearby Jasperville, which has always received three and a half stars in the Guide because it has a ferries wheel, which really gets the Mayor's goat. Ed makes a quick comment that the Jasperville Ferris wheel once killed a man, but it doesn't seem to score any points with Judy. Ed goes through a canned speech about how Stuckeyville is such a great town full of great and unique people. Just then, Phil slides into the office, a la Tom Cruise in his jockeys in Risky Business. "What are you doing?" Ed asks Phil. "I thought you were cueing me for my wacky entrance," Phil replies.

I'm telling you guys...Phil is the future of comedy.

Ed decides to take Judy on a tour of Stuckeyville to show her just what makes his little town so special. He offers to buy her a suzeechio, a local delicacy. They get to the suzeechio stand and are told that the guy who makes the suzeechios is in jail after driving his Camry through his ex-wife's living room window. So no suzeechios, but there're plenty of Hot Pockets, which people seem to love. Even though Ed doesn't say a word, we know the pain he feels in his heart when a local delicacy has been replaced by corporate America's insatiable need to infiltrate every single suzeechio stand in Stuckeyville. Yeah, sure, there's only one suzeechio stand in the town at the present time. But that's because the MAN'S been holding suzeechio's back.

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