We then go to commercials. Which makes me think...if suzeechio's ever hit the big time, I bet they could get Phil Collins to sing the jingle a la "Sussudio." "Su-su-zeechio." Man. I'm just spinning my wheels writing this crap. I need to be on Madison Avenue, baby, making some big time advertising bucks.
Back to the show. Carol is pulling up to Pine Forest Refuge. She sees a group of bookish, geeky-looking people sitting under a tree. It looks like a Mighty Big TV writer's gathering that I wasn't privy to. The instructor, Joel, welcomes her with a buncha New Age garbage about how "our ideas are our identity" and how there's "no such thing as time" at Pine Forest. He brings his point home by relieving Carol of her watch. Carol reluctantly hands it over and plops down under the tree with the rest of the writer wannabes. Joel asks Carol to tell the group about herself. Carol makes her usual awkward small talk (a MUST for any writer) and, as a joke, says she enjoys moonlit walks on the beach. Joel starts badgering her to describe the walks on the beach in detail while Carol sits there like an autistic child staring at him. She finally admits the beach line was a joke, and Joel switches subjects quickly. He asks for her input on one of Nick Stanton's great American novels. Carol stares at the hardback book that her ex-boyfriend wrote and says, "Can I have my watch back?" insinuating that this retreat isn't going to go as well as she had planned.
Back in Stuckeyville, Ed is grasping for straws trying to persuade Judy to grasp the fact that his hometown is worth more than three stars in her lame little book. He's decided to introduce her to the local barber, Mr. Wilkes, who used to have some amazing stories to tell Ed when he was younger. They walk into the barbershop, and introductions are made. Ed coaxes Mr. Wilkes to share one of those fascinating stories with Judy. Mr. Wilkes then tells a story about the time he and his friend went camping and a bear came up and started pawing at their tent while they were seated around a campfire. The big payoff to the story was Mr. Wilkes's impression of his friend saying, "George...we've got company."
There has never been a single bigger letdown in the history of storytelling unless you count my recap of last week's Ed.
Ed's as deflated as the Hindenburg. Judy is as impressed as Gary Coleman's last girlfriend. Mr. Wilkes is as clueless as Joey Buttafuoco.
Back at the bowling alley, Phil is training Shazam to become the bowling god that Phil knows he can be. He's telling his protégé to "become one with the ball." And with that, Phil starts doing somersaults down the alley and slams into the pins, just as Ed and Judy walk in as a last-ditch effort for Ed to show Judy something of worth in Stuckeyville. Judy's still not impressed, even as Phil does his sexy dance at the end of the alley in celebration of his full-bodied strike. We then get a few hundred words from the show's sponsors.