Okay. I'm no ice-skating fanatic. But apparently, there's an ice skater named Dick Button out there. Which, in my opinion, has to be the world's worst name for an ice skater. Or for any human being, for that matter. I had lots of Dick Button jokes ready to go, but I'm going to try and rise above such childish taunts this week.

The attention turns to Mike, who's introducing baby Sara to the wonders of aerosol whipped cream. Cue close-up of Sara covered in whipped cream. That's great, Mike. Teach your kid the joys of huffing before she's out of diapers. Way to go, Parent of the Year. What's next...freebasing?

Commercials. Hey, it's that Subway commercial with the fat guy, Jared, who lost something like 400 lbs. by eating Subway sandwiches for two years. Way to go, you big-assed refrigerator with legs. You're an inspiration to all the obese bastards in the world who want to lose weight but refuse to give up artery-clogging fast food. Chicks seem to really dig Jared now that he's smaller than your average travel trailer.

Back in the bowling alley, Phil is hanging up a poster that says "Only Positive Attitudes Allowed." It's part of his new idea that he calls "Inspirationology," which is to inspire each member of the Stuckey Bowl staff to do their best job possible, because a job well done is its own reward. He's decided to assign each employee a night, on which they try to bring in as many customers as possible, and the employee that comes up with the best promotion will receive a gift from Ed. He hands Ed a list of possible gifts including a Gucci watch, a vacation in Belize, a helicopter that lands on water. Ed offers a $10 gift certificate to Chuck E. Cheese. Phil counters with a $15 gift certificate. Ed says, "Done." Phil's content that he's a master negotiator. Ed asks "What happened to 'a job well done is its own reward'?" Phil shakes his head, chuckles and says, "Oh, you poor naïve son of a bitch." That's why I love this guy. He can get away with calling his boss a poor, naïve son of a bitch. Phil is my inspiration and reason for living. Well...it's between him and that fat Subway-eating bastard.