First off, I'd like to thank Heathen for stepping in for me last week and doing a fantastic job on the Ed recap. My local NBC affiliate deemed college basketball a little bit more important than the weekly hijinks of the citizens of Stuckeyville, and I was left in the lurch. I protested outside the TV station with a small sign saying "Down With Basketball, Up With Ed" until I realized that I was alone in my quest to change the station manager's mind and drove home in shame.
Second...I'm battling a sinus infection right now that has me feverish and testy. It's 42 degrees in this house; I'm sweating; I'm a grown man and I feel like crying. I'm making no apologies for what is written here today, if you don't like it, bite my ass. I'm strung out on antibiotics, my temperature is 100.5 and the doctor has said that I'll be better by next week.
Did I mention you could bite my ass if you don't like this recap? Good...keep that in mind, dear Ed fan.
The show opens with a "Previously on Ed" montage, focusing on last week's episode where new district attorney Bonnie Hane (Hayne? Haynes? Hanes? Harem? ["I don't know. The IMDb says 'Hayne' but I think I saw a 'Hane' nameplate on her desk." -- Wing Chun]) debuted, with the sole purpose of making our hero's life a living hell. So obviously, this episode is going to pick up where last week's episode left off.
Y''know...I'm one astute bastard when I wanna be.
The show begins in some restaurant where the regular gang is celebrating Carol's birthday. Carol is begging them not to sing "Happy Birthday" to her, when Ed rounds the corner with a cake full of candles, singing "Happy Birthday." Mike, in his infantile manner, croons "You look like a monkey" instead of "Happy Birthday Dear Carol," which causes everyone to look at him like he was a leper, and then the song is finished. Ed tells Carol to make a wish, Carol thinks about it for a second and announces she has her wish. Ed says, "Well, if you insist," and bends down to tongue-wrestle her. Carol pulls back abruptly, and Ed asks "What? Didn't you just wish for a long soulful kiss from Edward J. Stevens?" Apparently she did, but she's not about to admit it in front of her peers. Gifts are then reluctantly handed over to the ice princess in celebration of her birthday. She opens Ed's gift -- a pair of ice skates. She asks if this means he's bought a skating rink. Ed's confused, so she explains that when he first came back to Stuckeyville, he gave her a bowling ball. "Because I bought a bowling alley," Ed grimaces, finishing her sentence. Carol admits she doesn't know how to ice skate, and Ed says he'll teach her. After a few lessons, she'll be skating around like Dick Button.