It's time for Shirley's interview. I have decided that Shirley has the personality of a lawn chair. Ed asks her if she wants the promotion. Shirley admits that she does not. Interview's over. Wow. I've had orgasms that lasted longer than that interview.
Back in court, Mr. $100 Million is on the stand and is being grilled by Ed. His defense is that the contract was written on a bar napkin and, thus, is null and void. Ed asks Mr. Fat Cat if he went home and received a bomb threat, would he call the police? Bill Gates Jr. says he would. Ed then asks whether he would take it seriously if the bomb threat were written on a bar napkin? Scrooge McDick says yes. Aha!! It was a trick all along!! If it's written on a bar napkin, it's as good as gold!! That Ed is one conniving freakin' lawyer!
Back at the bowling alley, Ed's staring at something when Phil walks up. "Whatcha got there...some legal crap?" Phil asks. Ed says it's something important...it's his divorce papers. Phil shoots back, "Oh, something important. I thought you were getting a sex change." Phil is allowed one limp line per show and that was it. It's now Phil's turn to be interviewed for the manager's job. But instead of a normal interview, Phil has decided to really razzle-dazzle Ed and let the customers do the talking for him. He brings Shirley in to work the lights and music. Shirley shuts off the office lights and shines a spotlight on the door while playing a muzak version of Neil Diamond's "America." A parade of customers walks through the door with nothing but praise for the Philster while Phil watches with glee. Kenny walks in and says that Phil promised to regrout his tub if he'd drop out of the race for manager. Ed has no choice but to make Phil the new manager of Stuckey Bowl. Phil acts as if he just won the Gold Medal for the hundred-meter Suck Up and cheers himself as the customers try in vain to lift him upon their shoulders. Phil's trying to soak in the moment and help boost himself onto their shoulders as he reminds the customers to "watch [his] lower back."
I have figured out why I'm so in love with Phil. He reminds me of me. We're both smarmy wise-asses with little respect for authority figures. The only difference I can see between us is that I'm pretty much hammered right now, while Phil still seems to have control over his bladder. ["Uh, does that mean you just wet yourself?" -- niki]
That evening at the Smiling Goat Bar, Nick and Carol are holding court in a booth as the local lushes are mesmerized by Nick's half-assed stories of adventures past. Suddenly, Ed walks in. This calls for...