Ed
Last Chance

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Last Chance

Back at the Goat, Warren and MegaMark are sitting in a booth while Diane freshens up in the can. Personally, I don't see how much freshening up a gal who's constantly wearing an oversized fatigue jacket can do, but I'll suspend my disbelief at this time. Warren's telling MegaMark that he's glad they've gotten past this whole thing, because he really thinks he's making ground with Diane, and before he knows it, he's going to be nailing her like a drunk principal nails Wheat Thins. MegaMark is a bit taken aback by this semi-raunchy talk from the Chezzkat. Warren asks MegaMark whether he thought Diane was a good kisser, and then starts getting all "guy" on him. It's kinda funny to watch Warren attempt "macho." Diane comes up and sits down next to Warren; she's shed the fatigue jacket, which makes a freakin' liar out of me. Thanks, Diane. Thanks for making me look like a complete ass. Warren calls Diane "Lil' D," and then says, "The Chezkat and Lil' D! That's what I'm sayin'!" In the mean time, the camera gets a slow closeup of a lovesick MegaMark that makes me feel a tinge of sadness for the guy. I mean, not enough to quit poking fun at him. Just enough to make me think that maybe he's hurting inside. Deep inside. Too deep for any surgeons ever to find. Maybe a crack team of Scandinavian liposuction experts could find the hurt. But other than that...the shit is buried.

Ed and Mike are working in the park, building the stage for the upcoming talent show. Ed's convinced that Carol's engaged right now. Mike says that Ed doesn't know that, and Ed says of course they're engaged, because Jackass ordered braised short ribs and a man doesn't order braised short ribs unless there's a very important moment going down. Personally, I'm not even sure I know what braised short ribs are. To the best of my knowledge, Applebee's doesn't serve them. Ed's having trouble believing that Carol would settle for anyone less than a supercool handsome type. Mike stays silent. Ed sighs and accuses Mike of thinking that Jackass is the supercool handsome type. Mike says he didn't say that, but he does think Jackass is slightly handsome. Ed demands to know what's so handsome about him. Mike says he's sort of attractive. He's got nice eyes. They might be hazel. He's got strong shoulders and a great set of abs. Mike excuses himself to go find a broom closet in order to spank his wonk-wonk.

Over at the Bowl, Phil's carrying around a unicycle. Shirley tries to give him bowling pins, but Phil specifies that those pins aren't good enough; Phil needs the pins with red stripes to match the unicycle. Shirley takes off on her quest to please Phil when Kenny lumbers in. He wants to know what's going on. Phil says that he's going to enter the talent show, showcasing his talent of being able to juggle while riding a unicycle. Kenny snorts and says that Phil can't do that. Phil says he can. Kenny says he wants to see. Phil refuses. Kenny tells Phil to forget the unicycle, and just juggle. Phil says that tomorrow night, Kenny will get to see Phil do it. Kenny tells Phil just to throw one pin in the air and catch it. Phil says that Kenny's skepticism is duly noted, and tells him to scamper along. Kenny sneers, "I wish I had a mallet." At first, I thought he said he wished he had a mullet, which didn't make much sense. Although, I've gotta be honest, Kenny with a mullet equals instant ratings boost, NBC. Just something to think about for Season Three.

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Ed

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