Ed
Last Chance

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Last Chance

Back at the stage, Ed's asking whether Mike thinks Jackass's hair is attractive, too. Mike doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Ed spots Carol and Molly walking their way, and starts freaking out once again. Ed asks if Mike can spot a ring or a post-engagement glow on Carol. Ed starts whistling like a maniac to signify that he's busy at work and not paying attention to Carol. Molly says hi to them, and Carol asks to speak to Ed in private. They walk around while Ed wonders if Carol wants to talk about these new mosquitoes that bite you on the hands and thus kill you within six hours. Ed says he'd be glad to check out Carol's hands for her if she needs him to. He's speaking pretty fast, like a chipmunk on speed. This is exactly what Carol wants to talk about: how weird Ed's gotten lately. Meanwhile, Ed's desperately trying to check out Carol's hands to see if there's a ring on her finger. The physical comedy in this scene is hilarious -- something I didn't catch the first time I watched it. Finally, Carol stops Ed, and says, "Ed, it's me," bringing her ringless hands to her chest. "Tell me what's wrong." Ed doesn't see a ring, and calms down instantly. "Nothing," he grins. She tells him that, last night, Jackass asked her to travel around the country with him over the summer. This news throws Ed straight back into Jumpy/Nervous Mode, as he tells her to have a great time and to make sure to get a Trip Tik to make their trip that much more enjoyable. Carol's perplexed once again. I'm beginning to think that these two are the dumbest damned people on television.

Meanwhile, Phil's getting his bright red jumpsuit fitted for his talent-show appearance. He's telling the tailor to make sure he has the name "Phil Stubbs" on both the front and back of the suit, and asks Antonio whether he's got that. The tailor says his name is Gus, and Phil says that if he doesn't mind, Phil likes his tailors to be called "Antonio." Ed walks in and asks if these are the new outfits for the bowling alley. Phil says no, that this is the outfit Phil will be wearing when he's named the most talented bastard in Stuckeyville. Ed asks Shirley her opinion on the outfit, and she says she feels a wave of embarrassment on Phil' s behalf. Ed says that was well put, as Phil tells Antonio not to get so friendly with the chalk. I'm sorry, but I get the feeling that Phil's big moment in the sun is going to be about as well received as Vanilla Coke.

Warren's sitting in Ed's office, at Ed's desk, staring at a bottle of Johnny Walker Red with a gaze I haven't seen since I was a kid watching Mom seduce a six-pack of Budweiser. Warren's glad to see Ed and says that they both seem to have a case of the woman problems, and maybe they need to tip back some hooch to forget about their ladies. Ed wants to know where Warren got the bottle, and Warren says Phil gave it to him when he told Phil Warren was thirty-seven years old. Ed would love to comiserate with Warren, but right now he's got things to do. This is just as Jackass storms in to the office. Jackass says he needs to talk to Ed alone. Warren tells Jackass that anything he has to say to Ed, he can say to Warren. Ed says, "Warren!" and Warren jumps up to leave, trying to grab the bottle of booze behind Ed, to no avail. Jackass wants to know what Ed's deal is. Jackass says that the guy at the jewelry store said someone came poking around, wanting to know Jackass's business in there. Ed admits that he was the one who did that. Jackass tells Ed to mind his own business, and that Ed's "aw shucks" routine doesn't work on Jackass. Ed tells Jackass to do right by Carol. Man. Wrong words to say to the Jackass, Eddie. Jackass goes off on Ed, telling him that it's over between Ed and Carol. And that Ed may have stood a chance when he was strutting around like King Arthur, but those days are gone, hombre. In fact, it's not "over," because it "never was." Carol was there for the taking on several occasions, but Ed went the safe route, wanting just to be friends. And now he wants to complain about it. Well, Ed got just want he wanted: he and Carol are just friends. Jackass shakes his head in disgust and leaves, seconds before Ed was gonna get all Matrix on his ass and kick him several times in that ruggedly handsome Jackass chin of his. Ed exhales sharply, because he realizes that everything Jackass said was true. Except he was strutting around like Sir Galahad, not King Arthur. Dumb-ass Jackass.

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Ed

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