Ed
Loyalties

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: B+ | 4 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
You've Gotta Fight For Your Right To Bonnie

At the bowling alley, Ed is installing security cameras with Phil's help. This way, the next time Big Rudy tries to sabotage the bowling alley with ferrets, deadly venomous rattlesnakes, or werewolves, the whole thing will be caught on tape and Ed will be able to ruin Big Rudy in a court of law. Carol walks in and asks if they're beefing up bowling alley security. Duh, you insensitive witch...I think that's what security cameras are for. Phil turns around, looks at Carol, and says "Whoa! You look great. Did you sneak off somewhere and get some work done?" Carol doesn't know whether to be offended or aroused and opts for neither while answering him with a "no." Stubby gives her a look that screams "Phil Stubbs' Love-Atorium is now open for business." Carol doesn't even humor him with a glance.

As Ed and Carol walk to his office, she asks what happened to him and Bonnie the other night. The night Bonnie broke his heart. You remember...right? I recapped it about a page ago. Ed says a thing happened and leaves it at that, but he wants to know about Carol's new "boyfriend." Carol shoots down any possibilities of a steamy hot Stuckeyville rumor by saying he's just a guy from Nancy's book club, and why is she getting the third degree from Ed when he has a girlfriend. Ed says he won't have a "girlfriend" for long because Bonnie's leaving town. Carol looks like Ed McMahon just showed up at her doorstep with a million dollar check and half a bottle of Dewar's. She's happy, let's put it that way. She says "good for her." Ed repeats the phrase sarcastically. Carol senses his despair and says that if Ed really liked the woman, he wouldn't let her go without a fight. If she recalls, he showed up in her classroom wearing a suit of armor, he made her a goofy rock video, and he even hired a skywriter to send her a love message. Edward J. Stevens FIGHTS for his femme fatales, baby...so why is he stopping now? Ed stands there, letting those words soak into his skin like sulfuric acid. Maybe...just maybe...it's time Ed got off his ass and fought for the woman he loves.

An outside shot of the bowling alley clues us in to the fact that it's now after hours at the hub of Stuckeyville's entertainment. Phil's walking through a darkened room. Big Rudy is waiting for him. Rudy's glad that he showed up. Phil says that curiosity is a tempting mistress. They begin walking around. Big Rudy is buttering Phil up like a hot ear of corn, telling him that while others are content to sleepwalk through life, Phil rocks the house. Big Rudy asks if Ed is giving Phil a piece of the action, a share in the business. Phil says no. Rudy says that Ed should be because Phil is full of fantastic ideas. Phil says that while Rudy owned the place, he never offered Phil a piece of the business. Rudy says that's because he was as blind as a one-eyed maggot. What it boils down to is that Rudy wants the bowling alley back, but he needs someone on the inside to help bring Ed down. He thinks that Phil is the one to help him in his quest. When he owns the alley, Phil will have a corner office and a piece of the pie. Phil weighs his options: stay faithful to Ed and never advance, or help Big Rudy put Ed out of business permanently. Big Rudy brings up the fact that a guy like Phil has no business handing out bowling shoes for the rest of his life. Phil thinks for a second and says, "Ed will just have to understand...this is business. What do you need me to do?" Rudy grins and says, "Now you're thinking smart." They shake on it, and I'm left, sitting in my recliner, surrounded by cold popcorn that flew out of my bowl after this sudden turn of events. As of this very moment, the Phil Stubbs Phan Clubbs is officially out of business. I cannot condone his heinous actions. My hero is dead. R.I.P. you goofy bastard.

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Ed

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