Back at the alley, Ed's busy drilling holes in a bowling ball when Shirley walks up and explains that she used to work for Ed as a bowling-alley employee, but now she works as his legal assistant. Yes, Shirley. We know this. Anyway, a man is there to see Ed, but he's not there for legal assistance; he's there to talk about the bowling alley. Shirley's duties in this case fall in a gray area, and she doesn't know what to do. Ed suggests that she send the gentleman in. This seems to appease Shirley and solve the dilemma at the same time. A man walks in and introduces himself as Hank Rodulescu. It seems that every May 9 since 1942, Hank and his buddies have assembled for a midnight bowl at Stuckey Bowl. Hank says that they don't have much money to rent the place out. Ed poo-poos any exchange of money in the interest of keeping a tradition afloat, and tells Hank that the bowling alley is theirs for the evening. This Hank guy is really borderline creepy in a Dennis Hopper-Hannibal Lecter kind of way. I get the feeling the guy's going to try to surgically remove Ed's face and eat it later in the show. Then again, that feeling could just be the mushrooms kicking in.
At Molly's house, Molly's on the phone saying things like "I'm game." Yeah, baby. Molly's game. Molly's Monopoly and I just landed on "Free Parking," babe. She says goodbye to Jeff and hangs up. Carol starts singing "The Look of Love" in order to make Molly blush because she's about to get her loins ravaged and ravaged good. Molly says, "You'll never guess what Jeff just asked me to do." Carol suggests shoving various kitchen utensils up Jeff's wazoo. Molly blushes and says, "No," but doesn't rule out a friendly game of "Hide the Turkey Baster Up Jeff's Ass" later. No -- Jeff has asked Molly to accompany him to a MENSA cocktail party. This prompts Carol to tell her best MENSA joke: how many MENSA members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. Molly finds this amusing. Meanwhile, I'm hiding behind my recliner for fear that somebody's going to have his face sliced off in a moment.
Back at the alley, Phil and Ed are working away when Phil asks Ed how many women he's had sex with. Ed looks surprised, and Phil explains that it's perfectly okay for Ed to tell him, because "that's what guys talk about when they're hanging out." And all this time, I just thought my male friends wanted to hear all about my amazing penis tricks. Who's the social retard now, Unka Bob?! Old Man Harry comes walking up and Ed starts to tell him the news, but Phil interupts Ed, "Don't come waltzing in here expecting to run the victory lap." Apparently, Phil wants to tell Harry the news. He says he's had his "boys down at the lab" checking out this Hexomyacin; what it boils down to is that the pills Harry's been taking are 100% sugar with a bogus name Harry's doctor made up. Harry grabs Phil by the collar and wants to know if Phil's hornswaggling him. Ed steps in and says that it's true: Harry's doctor has been charging him $85 a week for placebos. Harry wants to take a tire iron to his doctor's silky white ass. Phil tells Harry there's a better way: Harry's been wronged, Ed's a lawyer...Phil starts singing the Jeopardy theme song, hoping Harry makes the connection himself. Harry does, and tells Ed he wants to sue the doctor until he bleeds through the head. Ed says he'll see what he can do. Phil flies off the handle and says, "Now why do you have to say that? 'Let me see what I can do.' Why can't you just say, 'Okay, I'll be your lawyer'? You're just so cool. 'Let me see what I can do.' Ooooo! You're just a regular Remington Steele." "Are you finished?" Ed asks. "Not yet," Phil says, and then finishes, "....oooooo," give or take an "o." "Now I'm finished," Phil says, and storms off. Harry gives Ed a look like he thinks Phil may be mentally retarded.