Ed
Mind Over Matter

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Friends Don't Let Friends Scam On Their Potential Boyfriends

Commercials. Did you know Rolling Stone says that A Knight's Tale is one of the best rip-offs of Gladiator ever made? Well...they didn't exactly say that. I'm not exactly sure whether anyone's actually said that. But there has been a pretty messy slop of hyperbole slapped all over this film's commercials, and I, for one, am not falling for it.

Ed goes to Dr. Kendall's office. Dr. Kendall is leaving, and blows Ed off with the patented line, "I'm late for lunch." Ed introduces himself as Harry's lawyer, which stops Kendall in his tracks. "Walk me to my car," Kendall says. Ed flutters his eyelashes and sprays some Binaca under his tongue as he prepares to walk the handsome young doctor to his car. Dr. Kendall asks Ed if he's with Tessle and Tessle, because if he is, this conversation is over. Ed says he isn't. Kendall doesn't mind Arnie Tessle, but Frank Tessle...well, just don't put his stones in a vise and tell him that you're friends...whatever the hell that means. Ed asks Kendall about the pills he's been prescribing for Harry, and Dr. Kendall admits that he's been cramming Harry full of placebos, adding that it's a very common practice. Kendall gets in his car and says he's late for lunch. Ed tells him that he'll see him in court. Kendall tells Ed that this can be settled like gentlemen, and that Ed should call Kendall's secretary to set up a lunch date.

Carol shows up at the alley. Ed asks what she's doing there, and she asks Ed whether he wants some company. He offers her $50 like she's a whore. Carol's offended and Ed says he meant $50,000, like that's going to make the cheap-assed whore feel better. Ed says he's going before the council for landmark status that evening. Carol says it's not that easy to get landmark status. Ed pooh-poohs Carol's negativity and assures her that it should be fairly simple. Ed sees Hank, and he and Carol go over to talk to him. Hank has some old records, some scrapbooks, and some RC Cola. Ed reminds Hank that the bowling alley has a snack bar, but Hank tells Ed that there's no RC Cola and the drink of choice has got to be the Crown. Hank looks at Carol, smooths down his nappy hair, and asks "Who's this lovely lady?" Carol giggles and wonders whether Hank has fifty thousand smackers just laying around, waiting to be spent on some $50,000 whore. Carol tells Ed that he could learn something from this smooth talker. Hank agrees and then they all kinda laugh uncomfortably, with the mental image of Hank banging away on Carol fresh in their heads.

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Ed

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