Ed
Mind Over Matter

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Friends Don't Let Friends Scam On Their Potential Boyfriends

...commercials. NBC insists that I don't miss the last five minutes of The West Wing. That's cool. I'll just skip the first fifty-five minutes.

Back in court, Kendall's lawyer is asking Kendall why he sold placebos to Harry and everyone else. Kendall says it's because he had tried everything else, and that placebos were the last resort. The lawyer wants to know why he charged his patients $85 a week, and Kendall says that the more the placebos cost, the more effective the patients would think they were. Kendall used to charge less for the placebos, but they didn't work as well. He found that $85 is the least he could charge and still have patients think they were getting a great deal on pharmaceuticals. He says that he asked each of the patients whether it would be worth $85 a week to get rid of their arthritis, and each of them said it would be. So he embarked on a mission to do just that. He gave them relief from years of physical agony. Then it's Ed's turn, and he asks Kendall to imagine that he went to a jeweler's and bought his wife a $5,000 diamond. His wife enjoys the diamond for about ten years, and then he realizes that the diamond is not a diamond, but a cubic zirconia. He goes back to the jeweler to get his money back, and the jeweler refuses, saying that he paid for the experience of owning a $5,000 diamond. How would Kendall respond to this hypothetical situation? Kendall would want his money back. Is charging a large amount of money the only way he could make the patients think they were getting good medicine? Couldn't he have just told them that they found a generic brand that would only cost them five dollars a week? As long as we're making up lies, why not make up lies that don't cost as much. Ed wants to know how much these sugar pills cost Kendall. He's not sure. Ed's sure: they cost sixteen cents a week, meaning that the patient pays 531 times what the pills cost him. Note to self...the placebo business may be the route to take when this MBTV gig falls through. Nothing further from Ed. Kendall looks like a whipped frog.

Molly's walking through the park when Jeff walks up. He wants to know why Molly's been giving him the cold shoulder lately. Molly blames the weather -- you know...cold shoulder...BWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, my Lord...I kill me sometimes. Anyway, Jeff says that he can understand why Molly would be pissed with Carol -- she's a gold-digging whorebag. But why is Molly mad at him? Molly's not mad at Jeff; she's just disappointed because, once again, she wasn't somebody's first choice. Would somebody mind passing Molly a slice of that "DUH" cookie we presented Kendall earlier? Anyway, now that Jeff's gotten to know Molly, he's really glad that he's seeing her and not Carol -- mainly because Molly's got it going on in the boobage department while Carol has the chest of an eleven-year-old boy. Molly says that she's only his first choice because he finally got to know her. She says, "See ya Jeff," and walks away, while Jeff feels like an idiot.

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