Ed
Mixed Signals

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: B | Grade It Now!
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Eenie Meenie Miney Mo, Catch A Prom Date By The Toe

We open at the bowling alley, where Ed, Kenny, and Phil are preparing for Vegas Night, yet another promotion designed to bring patrons into Stuckey Bowl. Or at least patrons whose homes aren't resting on four wheels. Phil is saying how Vegas is a fickle mistress, and how "you may hold her, but you can't own her because she is...VEGAS," when Ed asks Kenny if he's ever been to Vegas. Kenny snickers and tells Ed "that's cute." Apparently Kenny was banned from Caesar's in 1987. Ed's impressed and asks if Kenny was card counting. Kenny says not the casino...the buffet. He ate 128 shrimp for $2.99. I bet he was vomiting pink goo for several days afterwards. Kenny and Phil walk away and Shirley walks up, announcing that she has finished the signs for Vegas Night. The sign reads "Vega$ Night." Ed mentions that he's particularly pleased that she used a dollar sign in the word "Vega$". Shirley asks Ed to please don't condescend to her. Ed says "okay", knowing how volatile Shirley can get when she's condescended to, and she walks away. Mike walks in with some poker chips he found in his attic. In a quiet moment, Ed bets Mike ten bucks that he won't kiss Kenny on the cheek. Mike's dragging his heels since he doesn't really want to kiss Kenny on the cheek. Ed prods him a bit further with the line, "Does 'ten bucks, Mike' mean anything to you?" Kenny walks up and Mike greets him. Then Mike raises from his chair and reluctantly kisses Kenny on both cheeks. Kenny stands there for a moment, nods his head and walks away. "You went European on him," Ed says. "I thought it might help," Mike says quietly.

Opening credits and commercials. Maybe it's just my heterosexuality talking...but I have absolutely no interest in seeing Moulin Rouge. I think I'd rather watch a two-hour FOX special on circumcisions gone horribly wrong than have to sit through that crap.

Back in the alley, Warren has tracked down Ed and is telling him that the Stuckeyville Prom is coming up soon. Ed doesn't give a shit because Ed graduated about 12 years earlier. Warren then hints that he needs to earn some extra cash and was wondering if Ed would have any openings for some extra help around the Stuckey Bowl. Something like passing out shoes or bringing some much-needed life into the Snack Bar. Ed says that he could really use some help setting up Vega$ Night. Warren, smelling the fresh scent of easy money, agrees to help, and then mumbles to himself, "THAT'S never been done before." Y'know...Warren's a snippety little shit for a guy who's needing to scrape up some cash in a jiffy. Carol walks in, and Warren asks her what she's doing there, leering like he knows Ed and Carol are doing the dry hump-o-rama behind closed doors. Carol says she's there to retrieve a bag that she had left behind. Warren begins to insinuate that Carol left the bag at Ed's house, and even though it's none of his business, he finds it a bit shocking that Carol is now slutting around at Ed's house. Carol tries to explain that she left the bag at the bowling alley and not in Ed's condom closet, but both Ed and Warren are now pumped with testosterone, and Ed lies, saying that she left the bag at Ed's house. Warren sees Ed in a whole new light...a light that he normally reserved for basking in his various high-school crushes and Star Trek conventions. Ed tells Warren that he can start working tomorrow and Warren leaves, flashing Ed a thumbs-up sign to let Ed know that Warren approves of him nailing the hell out of Ms. Vessey.

Carol wants to know what in the fuck was Warren doing there, except she didn't exactly phrase it that way. Ed says that Warren's just looking to make a few bucks for Prom Night, which is coming up next week, according to the NBC website. Ed asks if Carol went to their senior prom; then he quickly recovers from this bout of temporary insanity and admits he remembers seeing Carol at the senior prom...she was wearing a big, fancy, shiny crown. Carol braces for the humbling ridicule that she has suffered every single day since she was voted prom queen. Ed wants to know what kind of power does a prom queen receive once she has been voted in. Did she ever get to bomb Belgium? Carol said she could and did. Carol then blows off Ed's infantile attempts at humor to inform him that she had a wonderful time the other night while standing inches from him. Ed says it sure beat a fist to the nuts. Carol gets all ga-ga and goo-goo and mushy, and we (the television viewing audience) are just supposed to believe that Carol has finally chipped the ice off her demeanor and fallen for our dear, sweet Ed. Well, guess what, Ms. Vessey? Television viewing audience don't play that. Uh-uh. Take your sassy ass back to...ummmm...well...just keep it right here for now...but we ain't havin' none of it. Nope. No sirree, Uncle Bob.

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Ed

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