Ed
Mixed Signals

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: B | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Eenie Meenie Miney Mo, Catch A Prom Date By The Toe

The "Doctor of the Year" award is presented to Dr. Jerome, and just as he begins to speak, Gay Scott and a bunch of singers and dancers burst out of a back room and are doing the worst song-and-dance routine since Rob Lowe danced with Cinderella at the Oscars so many years ago. Someone comes out and puts the sombrero on Jerome's head, and he's trying to look like he's taking it all in stride, but he shoots a glance at Mike that just SCREAMS "you're fired". Mike says to Nancy, "I'm a dead man. But it was so...so worth it." Then he begins to slowly applaud with the rest of the audience as Jerome seethes.

Back at Vega$ Night, Ed's bowling away while Carol sits looking like a prostitute in a roomful of sailors on leave. She wants a full plate of Edward J. Stevens meat and wants it NOW! Unfortunately, Ed would rather bowl. Carol says she's going to leave, and Ed says she can't leave, by God...it's Vega$ Night. Carol says she has a headache, has to get up early, blah blah blah...the same excuses Uncle Bob heard on every date until he was 29 years old. Ed talks her into going for a walk, and she agrees to that because she still needs a little nookie.

As they walk, Ed says, "'Tis a beautiful night." Carol says, "'Tis indeed," and Ed mentions that he's glad she picked up on the "Tis" thing. Ed starts babbling about how Pluto is not a planet...rather, it's a comet. He looks around and says, "Remember the first time we were here?" and Carol does. It's where they shared their first and only kiss. Maybe they had another kiss. I don't rightly remember right now. Ed calls it "The Kiss That Made A Man Move Home And Buy A Bowling Alley." They move closer as they talk...faces inches from each other...the setting is perfect...could it...can it...will it...???

Just then...just as lips are puckered and ready to meet...Warren pulls up. "They told me I could find you two here," he says as he gets out of his car and slams his door. "Warren?" Ed says. "What's going on?" Warren looks at Carol and tells her to close her eyes, he doesn't want her seeing this. Carol says, "See what?" Warren says he's here to beat the living shit out of Ed, throws up his fists, and says, "Let's go, bitch!" Ed motions with his hands and says, "What's this about, Warren?" Warren sees the hands move and shields his face in horror like Ed was about to slug him. Warren says Ed told him to ask Jessica to the prom, but guess what...she shot him down. Warren adds that Ed understands women about as well as Steve Kmetko. Ed asks, "Who?" and Carol says, "The guy from the E! Channel." Ed says, "Oh" and Carol clarifies, "He's gay" to which Ed replies, "Really??" Man. A slam on the Kmetko-man. The writers are feeling ballsy tonight. So that's it...Warren's junior prom...and he has no date. Ed says he's sorry, he had no idea. Warren mimics him. Ed says, "Warren," and Warren says, "'Warrrren,'" in a great impersonation of Ed. Warren gets in his car, after telling Ed to shut up, and drives off. Ed says he feels bad, and Carol tells him not to...that Warren always lands on his feet. Now that the moment of sexual passion has been successfully squelched, Ed and Carol start talking nonsense again. Ed's telling Carol that shooting stars are really the size of apple seeds, and she doesn't believe him. Ed acts appalled and tells Carol that he's only trying to unlock the secrets of the universe for her as the episode ends.

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Ed

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