Ed
Nice Guys Finish Last

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Nice Guys Finish Last

At the alumni dinner, Carol asks the one and only Rob Stanley if she may get him a glass of water. You can tell it's a pretty swanky dinner when they're serving water in actual glasses. Stanley says sure, and then says that he's a bit worried because he's concocted a pretty boring speech to give tonight. Carol says that if he really wants to read something pretty boring, he needs to give her latest short story a gander, shoving the story in his hands. Stanley tells her that it would be a pleasure to read her painfully boring story, and Jackass grins from a distance, knowing that yet another man is going to have to suffer the wrath of Carol Vessey's misguided attempts at fiction and earn her scorn when he threatens to commit suicide halfway through reading the tripe. Or something.

Back at Ed's office, Ed and Barry are waiting for 8:00 to roll around so that Gus Ryan can call them, begging for them not to take the case to court because Barry Gleep is a pit bull of a lawyer and will rip Gus and B&B Trucking to shreds. I thought it was a bit presumptuous for them to be waiting in Ed's office, waiting for Ed's phone to ring when it was Barry's case, but hey...far be it from me to challenge the writers of Ed. If I even try, they have the power to waste an hour of my time by writing an episode revolving around Kenny's ass pimples, and they know it. As the clock ticks away, Ed and Barry start sweating it out. At 8:05, the phone rings; it's Amy the lesbian councilwoman, to whom Ed has to apologize profusely because it looks like they're going to have to go to court and lose this battle, meaning Stuckeyville will be a haven for truck stops, strip joints, drug dealers, and Chick Fil-As within a year's time. You can hear Amy screaming, "NO! No Chick-Fil-As!" as she hangs up. Ed apologizes to Barry and announces that, for once, he blew it. The phone rings again, and Ed answers it. Ed says the phone's for Barry. Barry's despondent until Ed says, "It's a guy named Gus Ryan." Barry momentarily flips out like Ed Grimley and then takes the phone and very calmly says, "Hello, Gus."

Back at the alumni dinner, Molly's telling a group of people that when she did a search for her name on the internet, she ran across a woman who had a pet gopher named Molly Hudson. Everyone laughs at the story, which I found funny because I would have quit listening to the story once Molly started it. Then again...maybe it was another shout-out to me! A search for her name on the internet....MAY have led her to me...and she was calling ME a pet gopher! Man! Can you believe the amount of shout-outs I've been receiving from the show lately? Me neither! I swear...this Zoloft I've been taking recently really points the shout-outs out to me! God bless antidepressants! Anyway, Jim shows up, which throws a dark cloud over the entire proceedings. Mainly because everyone's dressed to the nines and he waltzes in, wearing his usual bowling-alley repairman get-up. Molly walks over to Jim, grabs his arm, and marches him out of the room, saying he's finally crossed the line into Creepyville. Jim says that he's not giving up on Molly; he's not quitting. Molly says she'll give him thirty seconds to state his case, and that he should try to fit as many married-guy clich├ęs into those thirty seconds as possible -- stuff like "I'm divorcing my wife" and "It was never supposed to be this way" and every other thing I've ever typed to a woman in a chat room. Jim just says three words: "I love you." Molly's a bit shaken up and asks, "Is that it? You still have fifteen seconds." Jim says he doesn't want fifteen seconds -- he wants the rest of their lives. I scrawl that one down on a slip of paper and make a mental note to use that the next time I wander into #marriedandsingle. Molly walks away and heads back into the alumni dinner, where Rob Stanley is regaling everyone with his boring speech.

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