Nice Guys Finish Last

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Uncle Bob: F | Grade It Now!
Nice Guys Finish Last

We're thrown back down into the classrooms of Stuckeyville High, where Carol is still comforting Molly. This is what happens when you go several decades without a boyfriend, then finally get one, and learn that he's an old married man. Your friends are supposed to be there to comfort you. If Molly were on Friends, she'd have five friends to comfort her at the drop of a hat. Alas...she's on Ed, where she's lucky to have Carol comforting her. That is, when Carol isn't busy cramming her nose up the Jackass's ass. Molly says she still hasn't talked to Jim, and that she has the will of Lazarus about not breaking down. Which of course means that eventually Molly will break down and be with Jim again. My heart's a-flutterin'. Molly wonders aloud what Jim's wife is like; my guess is that she's an emotionally detached woman who's been wearing the same bathrobe non-stop for the last two years. Jackass interrupts the party and says he has good news. "You've had all the students' tongues surgically removed?" Molly asks hopefully. No such luck...the Jackass has signed up Rob Stanley to speak at the alumni banquet. The ladies seem somewhat excited, because apparently Rob Stanley is some big-deal writer guy. Kinda like me, except I'm not a "big-deal writer." I'm just a guy. Molly says, "Good going Dennis!" and Jackass stares at her. Molly says, "If Carol gets to call you 'Dennis,' so do I." Jackass says, "Fair enough," and leaves. Molly starts badgering Carol to give one of her amazing short stories to Rob Stanley. Carol can't do it because he's a "big fancy writer," which throws me for a loop, because I thought he was a "big-deal writer," which goes to show how much I know. Molly leaves the room, and Carol opens up one of her cabinets and stands there dreamily, imagining herself giving a short story to Rob Stanley and having him gush over what a great writer she is. And then probably having sex with her because that's what big-deal writers do -- they read teachers' short stories and then bang 'em 'til they're blue. Trust me. I know a few of them. And my ass is still blue from meeting them.

Ed, Nancy, Mike, and Evil Baby Sara in a stroller are strutting down the sidewalks of Stuckeyville as trucks run rampant on the streets. The noise is annoying and deafening. Sorta like a Sarah MacLachlan concert if she actually bothered to plug in an amp. Ed's bitching and moaning about all the trucks while Mike makes the keen observation that it's kinda like Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds, except with trucks. "The Trucks," Mike says. And technically, he's right. This situation is a lot like The Birds. Except there aren't any schoolchildren running terrified down the street with trucks latched on to their skulls, pecking their eyes out. The group runs into Amy Rubin, City Councilwoman and lonely town lesbian. Ed asks her what the town's going to do about all these trucks, and she says that they've hired a lawyer by the name of Barry Gleep to handle the situation and drive all the trucks out of town. Well...the drivers of the truck would actually be the ones physically driving the trucks out of town. Barry would just be the guy to make sure they do it. You know what I'm saying. I hope you do, anyway. Ed and Mike remember Barry from high school -- that he was a nice guy, but a complete pushover. Amy says that this is the Mayor's decision, and that Barry is the Mayor's godson, which explains why a nebbish pushover is handling the biggest case in Stuckeyville history. Meanwhile, Mike gets the attention of a trucker and yells "Gimme one!" while pulling down at an imaginary air horn. The trucker blasts his horn, which terrifies the Evil Baby Sara during a rare moment when she happened to be daydreaming and not plotting the death and destruction of billions of innocent people through thermonuclear warfare. Mike shrugs and says he's just making the best of a bad situation. I can relate, because I've been struggling with these blasted recaps for several weeks now without once getting another sexy dance from Miss Nancy to fuel my inner fire.

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