Nice Guys Finish Last

Episode Report Card
Uncle Bob: F | Grade It Now!
Nice Guys Finish Last

Back in Jackass's office, I'm starting to get the feeling the guy hardly ever leaves his chair. Carol walks in and says that they should pretend she never asked him to read the story, and that he won't have to read it. Jackass says he already read it and that he didn't hate it. He says there was actually a lot of good stuff in there. Carol grins and says, "Really?" and he admits that no...actually, he hated it. Carol doesn't grin and repeats, "Really?" a little less enthusiastically than the first time. Carol wants to know what Jackass hated about the story. He says the characters weren't defined as well as they could have been. She wants to know which characters, and he says the sister and mother, which I'm guessing are all of the characters. He doesn't see this criticism as being constructive in any way, but she does. She says she deserves his opinion. So Jackass tells Carol that her plot was clichéd and dull, the language was forced and precious, there was no particular style, and the story never evolved as a whole. I grin from ear to ear because I take this as yet another shout-out from the writers to me regarding my recaps. Carol's a bit overwhelmed by this parade of hatred and says, "Wow." She thanks Jackass for his honesty, and he tells her that it was a bad idea ever to ask his opinion; he asks if she's okay with this. She's still shell-shocked as she says, "Sure." (Which is a helluva tongue-twister I just concocted; my language may be forced and precious here, but I come up with a shitload more tongue-twisters in my recaps then those damned Ed writers could ever come up with in a season of episodes. In your face, scrubs!) Jackass asks if they're still on for a viewing of the videotape Mrs. Doubtfire later on, and she says, "You bet," as she walks out of the room like a zombie who was just forced to watch a barrel full of kittens being force-fed into a paper shredder.

Shirley steps into Ed's office to let him know that the woman from the tribal council is here to see him. Shirley obviously has the city councilwoman mixed up with Survivor host Jeff Probst, which is easy to do, since Probst resembles a staunch lesbian. Amy walks into the office and Ed tells her that she has to get rid of Barry on this whole trucking fiasco. Amy tells Ed that she knows all about the "no trucks on weekends" deal, and that she thinks that's a good enough deal for the town. Ed tells her he's convinced that if they fight the trucking company, they can win, and then there won't be any trucks in Stuckeyville. Amy tells Ed that if he loses this case, her political career is over, and that it's his taut, muscular ass on the line and not Barry's flabby pushover ass. As she leaves his office, Ed says, "I won't lose." Amy asks whether Ed's talking to her or to himself. Ed says neither -- he was talking to the television viewing audience and letting them know how the episode will end, thus allowing us all to change channels and hope to God there's an episode of Green Acres on somewhere. All except me, since I have to continue watching this gawdawful episode because I stupidly signed a contract, which sounded like a good idea back when I was strung out on drugs, to recap this show for a few Andrew Jacksons a week. So if any of you kids out there are thinking about taking up smoking marijuana as a hobby, think again. It only leads to pain, heartache, and lonely Saturday mornings of watching a video at painstakingly slow speeds just to let a couple hundred dweebs know the exact words uttered between a foolish teacher and her jackass principal boss. Bitter often, Uncle Bob? ["Yeah! Hey, you got a nice stein out of the deal, too, jerk!" -- Wing Chun]

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