Ed
Nice Guys Finish Last

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Nice Guys Finish Last

Ahhhhh....commercials. A chance for me to refuel my mental bank. Apparently, Steven Spielberg doesn't have enough money, so he's re-releasing E.T. on an unsuspecting American public. That's just great. There's nothing I like more than going to a movie theater and sobbing hysterically because a puppet's dying. The first time I saw E.T., I took a date who never wanted to see me again because I couldn't stop that annoying crying where you can't even talk because you're hiccuping between words: "And...when E.T. was...dying...and looked...at Elliott...and...." My God. That movie totallyruined any chances I had of getting in Treva Whitfield's pants. Which is why, to this day, I think of Steven Spielberg as being a manipulative bastard whose sole purpose in life is to keep me from getting laid. Think about it: how many people bolted out of showings of Schindler's List all horny and ready for a romp in the sack?! My point exactly.

Back in Stuckeyville, Carol's telling Ed that Jackass didn't like her short story. Ed gives her another analogy: let's say Ed's a knight in shining armor who would read each of Carol's stories over and over again as long as she continued to hump him blind. And let's say Jackass is Satan. Who would she rather read her stories? Ed tells Carol she needs a thicker skin and to not let Jackass's obvious lack of common sense stand in the way of her giving her short story to Rob Stanley. Now she's torn as to whether to going to give the story to Stanley. I'm torn as to whether I give a shit. It's always about Carol. Carol, Carol, Carol. I'd leave in a huff and run to my room right now, but I still have thirty minutes of show to recap. Christ. This episode is moving slower than Rosie O'Donnell's metabolism.

Meanwhile, in Ed's office, Phil is conducting a chapel for the truck drivers. Ed's ticked about this, and Phil says that truckers need spirituality, too; they can't live on gas, grass, and ass alone. Ed wants the praying truckers out of his office immediately. Phil grudgingly walks in and says that this concludes their service for the day; he offers them each the opportunity to purchase a Jesus travel mug for their rigs. Barry Gleep walks in, and Ed invites Barry to step into his chapel. Ed apologizes to Barry for going to Amy and having him removed from the case -- that it wasn't easy, and business is business; it was nothing personal. Except for the fact that this guy has the lawyer skills of my sixteen-month-old son. Barry says it's okay because he wasn't fired; Ed's not handling the case, because the Mayor is Barry's godfather. Barry wants off the case, but that won't be happening. Barry and Ed will continue to work together on this case, with Ed as the puppet master and Barry the puppet who will carry out Ed's wishes and demands. Barry says that if Ed's wrong about winning this case, Barry is a dead man. Ed assures Barry that he's right. Barry looks at a Jesus travel mug and mistakes Jesus for Kris Kristofferson. This makes me giggle, because I get mistaken for Paul the Apostle on a daily basis. It's kinda funny, but I'm getting sick of being stalked by religious zealots everywhere I go.

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