Ed
Nice Guys Finish Last

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Nice Guys Finish Last

Molly's walking down the hallways of the high school when Jim appears out of nowhere and starts begging her for a second chance. This guy is pretty persistent when it comes to talking to Molly. If he were half as persistent at making his marriage work, he could probably salvage it. Molly tells Jim to get out of the school at once, or she will kick his ass in front of the A/V squad. Meanwhile, the A/V Squad stands there, rooting for a major ass-whoopin' from one of their teachers. Jim leaves all mopey and shit.

Ed and Barry are walking down the sidewalk; Barry's admittedly nervous. Ed tells him to not be nervous, and to not be rational anymore. He says that it's more rational to be irrational. Barry's confused, but I don't blame him, because he appears to have mental capacity of driftwood. Ed tells Barry that if a guy walked up to Barry on the street waving a gun and telling Barry to give him his wallet, Barry would give the guy his wallet because he the gunman was being irrational. Sometimes you get what you want by being irrational. Point taken. I'm now convinced I need a gun. Ed catches Jackass walking into the pie shop and sends Barry off to get them some sodas while Ed goes to talk to Jackass.

Ed walks into the pie shop, goes up to Jackass, and asks to sit down. Jackass agrees and offers Ed parts of his newspaper. Ed declines the newspaper and gets straight to the point: Jackass's review of Carol's short story has knocked the wind out of her. Ed wants Jackass to convince Carol that she still needs to give her story to Rob Stanley in hopes that it may bore Stanley to the point of death. But in order to do that, she needs encouragement from the 'Ass. Jackass notes that Ed's quite a friend to Carol, and starts to ask if Ed ever nailed Carol. Ed finishes the sentence and says that no...he's never counted Carol's dingleberries or given her a Hot Karl. Jackass notes that there aren't too many men and women out there who have authentic friendly relationships, because the guy always ends up wanting to bag the woman. Jackass says Carol and Ed are the real thing, and that he could never have that kind of relationship with a woman, because he always pushes his friendly relationships with women into the sexual arena. Ed suggests that Jackass start hanging out with uglier women, and Jackass says he'll consider that. Ed catches Barry standing outside with their sodas, and leaves Jackass to finish reading his paper.

Back at Barry's office, Gus Ryan has shown up with the papers to sign to eliminate all trucks from Stuckeyville every weekend. Ed closes the office door, which kinda freaks Gus out a bit. Barry says he's not signing the papers, and that they're taking that deal back off the table because they're not comfortable with it. Gus gets flustered and says fine...the trucks will roll 24-7, he will take Barry to court, and Stuckeyville will be ass-deep in trucks. This pushes Barry into "Irrational Mode." Barry starts freaking out, saying he doesn't care, he has nothing to lose. If he does lose the case, he'll quit everything and throw a party, before going to Hawaii where he will snorkle his ass silly. He gets in Gus's face and says that if he doesn't hear from Gus by 8:00 that night, he's taking Gus to court. Barry goes to leave the office, and screams, "Yabba Dabba Doo!" before hauling ass, leaving Gus and Ed speechless and alone. "There's no talking to him when he's like this," Ed shrugs. No shit, Sherlock. Barry's violent outburst makes my wife's PMS look like a Sunday matinee of Annie.

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Ed

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