Stuckey Bowl: Ten Pins and Justice, Served Hot Daily. Ed is listening to the radio while working on his closing arguments for the Schaeffer case, and the idiot disc jockey is asking the day's call-in trivia question. "'I Can't Fight this Feeling' was recorded by REO Speed...blank," the DJ reads. Ed rolls his eyes. The DJ takes a call from someone called Godfried, who proclaims his undying devotion to the show and then suggests that the band is called REO SpeedShavemypoodle. Our Ed is no dunce. He knows there's mischief afoot here, and he looks up to see Phil on the phone in the bowling alley. Phil shouts "Bah-bah-booey, bah-bah-booey!" and hangs up triumphantly. I just don't understand the tangle of idiosyncrasies that is Phil. That, or I don't speak Urdu. ["I wonder if Howard Stern knows about this." -- niki]
D.A. Hayne, she of no first name, knocks on the door and looks around disdainfully as though she's afraid to touch anything lest she catch a disease, like perhaps a good-humor virus or a Tumor of Selflessness. "I had to see this for myself," she snipes. "Bowling alley...law practice." I know! If I hadn't seen the other eight episodes and the thousands of promos, I'd never have believed my eyes. Ed agrees with me that he's heard just about every insult, but he's open to any fresh ideas. Ms. Hayne refuses to drop the case despite Ed's calmest pleas. "I came here to win cases," she asserts. Ed asks if she's from the area. "God, no, I'm from Detroit," she says. "In a big city, I'm just another lawyer. Here, I'm the D.A. and racking up as many convictions as I can before I go." Still being a lawyer in a big crime-infested city sounds a mite more impressive than being the D.A. in Stuckeyville, home of the Meter-Feeder and the Great Appliance-Store Hissyfit of 2000. Sounds like Ms. Hayne is one pin short of a strike. Shit, sorry Ed. There I went with a bowling joke. Ed insists life isn't just about winning. "That's a good philosophy for a guy who's about to lose," the bitch says. Ed puts on his nicest "Love me, I'm wacky" face and starts to ask the D.A. to negotiate a settlement. Mid-sentence, she cuts him off and refuses before even hearing the deal. Ed wonders why she won't listen. "I'm afraid I'll be bored," she says. And therein lies the fundamental flaw in her grand Living and Lawyering in Stuckeyville scheme. Ed flubs a comeback and Ms. Hayne decides yes, she is in fact bored, and she flounces out with a "See you in court." Ed artfully yells, "I'll see YOU in court!" and the nasty D.A. pauses long enough to dis him and shoot him a withering look. She then flounces right past Carol, who is stunned that Ed just got his Jockeys ripped off, wrapped around a jalopeño, and shoved up his nostril.