Opposites Distract

Episode Report Card
Heathen: B- | Grade It Now!
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you shave the poodle

Nancy comes home and sees a huge sign hanging on the banister from Mike, something he made to congratulate her on the promotion. She smiles sadly. Mike bounds downstairs and hands her a present, wearing an ear-to-ear smile. They scamper into the living room and pop in the tape, and Nancy watches Ed and Mike coax the baby, Sarah, into rolling over for the first time. It's pretty cute, actually, but maybe that's just my maternal side. Nancy starts to cry.

At the Halls of Justice, the judge acknowledges that Schaeffer is charitable but says assisting illegal parking -- by only filling meters when the maids are approaching -- isn't proper. He fines Schaeffer $500 and threatens to double it on the next offense. Ed and Schaeffer shrug and shake hands, and the latter man says he's craving some soup. Shaking his head, Ed watches his client leave, then turns toward Bonnie, who is clearing her table. Smugly, she whips up her head and says she's planning an appeal, because the City of Stuckeyville deserves all its lost funds back. She cocks her head expectantly, and when no reply comes, she sneers slightly and slithers away. "Shave my poodle," Ed says.

Nancy turns down the promotion because Sarah rolled over and she missed the whole thing. Just wait until Sarah rolls her first joint -- that's one for the photo album.

Carol, sitting at home alone, stares at the silent phone briefly before grabbing it and dialing Ed. Taking a deep breath, she lies that her pipes burst again and she desperately needs his hands all over her body -- er, her leaking pipe. Slamming down the phone, Carol bolts downstairs and tries to cause a leak, then resorts to throwing buckets of water onto the floor.

A giant orange rings Carol's doorbell. Wait, it's only Ed, dressed in a puffy orange coat that doubles as reflective gear. He's sure purty and juicy, though. Carol takes Ed downstairs and feigns ignorance when a perplexed Ed can't quite see any leaking pipe. While they "wait for it to happen again," Carol suggests they divide the room in half and see who can mop their section first. The loser has to return to the scene of the soapbox crime and kiss the headwaiter on the lips. Ed, hungry for some action -- any action at all -- agrees eagerly. Carol cackles gleefully and bounds upstairs to get the mops. Amused, Ed watches her with a chuckle until his cell phone rings and disrupts his reverie. As Carol returns with two conveniently purchased mops in hand, Ed distractedly says he has to leave because Bonnie had Mr. Schaeffer tossed in jail again. "Ever have someone who just…" Ed pauses and sighs. "…Just gets under your skin?" Carol nods sadly. "Uh-huh," she breathes. Ed leaves, and Carol is left alone to mop up her watery mess with whatever towels she can find -- possibly including the red-carpet substitute Warren used. Wow. That, my friends, is bringing a recap full-circle.

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