Opposites Distract

Episode Report Card
Heathen: B- | Grade It Now!
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you shave the poodle

The Milky Way. Actually, it's just a close-up of Nancy's right breast. I think we're supposed to see the laptop and the bottle-feeding baby, but her breast is front and center in the shot. Mike comes in and giggles that she's able to multitask like that. Nancy looks stressed and says she's going for a promotion at work, but is having second thoughts. Mike encourages her to do it, promising that they can make anything work out. She fumbles the bottle and formula sprays all over her laptop. Mike makes a lame breastfeeding joke.

On Grove Street, a giant condom with reservoir tip is pumping dimes into parking meters. Oh, it's just Mr. Schaeffer, clad in an unfortunate hat. When Ed approaches, Mr. Schaeffer eloquently summarizes his problem with the law: "I need another summons like I need a rusty bear-trap on my ass," he growls. Ed nods sympathetically. Rust is a problem indeed. Ed says he likes Mr. Schaeffer's coleslaw, and wants to be his lawyer free of charge. Behold, the power of cabbage and mayonnaise. Mr. Schaeffer exposits that he once got a $30 parking ticket that ruined his day. "It's a dime to me, but it's $30 to the ticketed person," he says of his meter-feeding habit. A male meter maid walks up and barks at Schaeffer's lovely little do-gooder worldview. Schaeffer tells the maid to talk to his lawyer and pats a self-satisfied Ed on the shoulder. "You know, there's nothing wrong with being a meter maid," Ed grins at the disgruntled man. "How very P.C. of you," deadpans the maid, walking away. Ed stares off into the distance, smiling to himself, proud that he's Stuckeyville's biggest sucker for a moderately worthy cause.

At Life Stream Greeting Cards, where Nancy toils, the nanny telephones with a snafu. Life Stream. That sounds like a maxi pad. Life Stream Greeting Cards with Wings. Each pad comes with a bad PMS joke and a bunny printed on it. An older executive called Margaret trots in and interrupts, announcing that the big presentation has been pushed to that Friday. Nancy frets that there's no copy to go with the designs, but distractedly promises to give her writers the new deadline and waves Margaret away. Back to the nanny. Nancy listens, looking puzzled. "Your husband sprained his…Can a nose technically be sprained?" Sure! Shoving rolled-up dollar bills up your nostril ten times a day can't be easy on a nose. Frazzled, Nancy promises to come right home and relieve the nanny.

The court convenes at the Halls of Justice to grapple with The People vs. Hal Schaeffer. Ed jumps out to a head start, announcing that the case is "textbook frivolous." He can't believe that, in a world where killers run around free, courts are wasting time on people who put dimes in parking meters. The opposing counsel stands up and smoothly points out that the last Stuckeyville murderer was in 1862, and therefore probably isn't still terrorizing anyone. The actress playing the prosecutor is Rena Sofer of General Hospital and Melrose Place fame, if indeed it's possible to use the words "Melrose Place" and "fame" in the same sentence. Ed looks at the pretty lawyer like he's never seen her before, which makes sense considering that Stuckeyville is a sprawling metroplex with at least two traffic lights and a very helpful news leaflet that comes out once every few moons. Ed sputters again that it's a frivolous case. "As the D.A. for the people of Stuckeyville, I don't find any criminal act to be frivolous," she smarms. Basically, Uptight thinks Mr. Schaeffer is helping people park illegally, and when Ed again protests, she reels off a list of similar cases tried in cities like Pittsburgh and San Francisco. The judge thanks Miss Hayne -- ah, a name -- and sets a Wednesday trial date. As she clears her stuff up, Ed stares at her open-mouthed. "Am I wrong, or did I witness a good old-fashioned butt whoopin'?" asks Schaeffer. Ed confirms it was indeed forty lashings with a whip.

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