Opposites Distract

Episode Report Card
Heathen: B- | Grade It Now!
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you shave the poodle

I think the greater crime is that Stuckeyville residents only pay a dime an hour for parking, and they're still getting tickets. Those should be thousand-dollar tickets, because those are some cheap-ass people.

Back to Life Stream Light Days Greeting Card Liners. Nancy stands in a darkened boardroom, facing a table of clients and superiors. Nervously, she says that the artwork for the cards will be shown on slides as she reads the intended text from her notebook -- which she flips open to a blank page. Sighing, she looks up and grins widely. First image: An old woman with a birthday cake. "It will read, "'Happy Birthday Grandma,'" Nancy breathes. "And inside: 'You're my Grandma. And it's your birthday. And I love you. And I wish you all the best...on this...special day.'" She's totally cracking me up here. Nancy adds, "'Way to stay alive, Grandma.'" Cut to the listeners, who seem a bit shell-shocked. Switching to the next card, which depicts a boy and a man fishing, Nancy continues: "This one says, 'Congrats, Son, on catching your first fish.'" Margaret interrupts that she thought it was intended to be a Father's Day card, and Nancy just looks flatly at her for a second, then catches on and pretends her notes were out of order. "This should say, 'Happy Father's Day...to my father. With whom I fish...on a regular basis," Nancy says. The actress is quite hilarious -- her low, librarian tone and good enunciation, plus her beaming smile, make it look like she's comforting a class of first-graders. Everyone stares at Nancy, and the projector noise is deafening. "'Happy Father's Day,'" she finishes, lamely. God, the actress is pulling off this silly scene so well that I actually feel uncomfortable and start staring down at my feet. Click. Nancy switches to the next card, and swivels around to look at it. The drawing is of a hobo, complete with a cloth sack tied to the end of a string. Bewildered, Nancy gazes at it then swings back around with a comforting smile. "And of course this card will read, 'I'm sorry to hear that you've become homeless. Tough break...Tough, tough break.'" She shakes her head sadly as though she's feeling the sentiment. Ha.

Stuckey Bowl: Ten Pins and Justice, Served Hot Daily. Ed is listening to the radio while working on his closing arguments for the Schaeffer case, and the idiot disc jockey is asking the day's call-in trivia question. "'I Can't Fight this Feeling' was recorded by REO Speed...blank," the DJ reads. Ed rolls his eyes. The DJ takes a call from someone called Godfried, who proclaims his undying devotion to the show and then suggests that the band is called REO SpeedShavemypoodle. Our Ed is no dunce. He knows there's mischief afoot here, and he looks up to see Phil on the phone in the bowling alley. Phil shouts "Bah-bah-booey, bah-bah-booey!" and hangs up triumphantly. I just don't understand the tangle of idiosyncrasies that is Phil. That, or I don't speak Urdu. ["I wonder if Howard Stern knows about this." -- niki]

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