Opposites Distract

Episode Report Card
Heathen: B- | Grade It Now!
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you shave the poodle

D.A. Hayne, she of no first name, knocks on the door and looks around disdainfully as though she's afraid to touch anything lest she catch a disease, like perhaps a good-humor virus or a Tumor of Selflessness. "I had to see this for myself," she snipes. "Bowling alley...law practice." I know! If I hadn't seen the other eight episodes and the thousands of promos, I'd never have believed my eyes. Ed agrees with me that he's heard just about every insult, but he's open to any fresh ideas. Ms. Hayne refuses to drop the case despite Ed's calmest pleas. "I came here to win cases," she asserts. Ed asks if she's from the area. "God, no, I'm from Detroit," she says. "In a big city, I'm just another lawyer. Here, I'm the D.A. and racking up as many convictions as I can before I go." Still…being a lawyer in a big crime-infested city sounds a mite more impressive than being the D.A. in Stuckeyville, home of the Meter-Feeder and the Great Appliance-Store Hissyfit of 2000. Sounds like Ms. Hayne is one pin short of a strike. Shit, sorry Ed. There I went with a bowling joke. Ed insists life isn't just about winning. "That's a good philosophy for a guy who's about to lose," the bitch says. Ed puts on his nicest "Love me, I'm wacky" face and starts to ask the D.A. to negotiate a settlement. Mid-sentence, she cuts him off and refuses before even hearing the deal. Ed wonders why she won't listen. "I'm afraid I'll be bored," she says. And therein lies the fundamental flaw in her grand Living and Lawyering in Stuckeyville scheme. Ed flubs a comeback and Ms. Hayne decides yes, she is in fact bored, and she flounces out with a "See you in court." Ed artfully yells, "I'll see YOU in court!" and the nasty D.A. pauses long enough to dis him and shoot him a withering look. She then flounces right past Carol, who is stunned that Ed just got his Jockeys ripped off, wrapped around a jalopeño, and shoved up his nostril.

Undeterred, Carol forges ahead and presents Ed with leftover pot roast. She gushes that she really enjoyed herself during the soapbox affair, but Ed is distracted, staring after the hot bitchy lawyer. Carol hints that they should do it again sometime, and Ed is giving her pat answers proving he isn't really listening. Carol totally picks up on his apparent fascination with the snotty D.A., and leaves with a jealous glint in her eye.

Commercial. Ed's sponsors would like to remind us that this is not Titans, and the world is a better place for it.

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