Ed
Pilot

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Revamped? More like ReCrapped

The painting turns into a real house, and it's big and spooky, and there is (of course) lots of thunder and lightning. Derek pulls up, and we see his Florida license plate, which reads "Surf WWW." See, to me that still says that he's a web surfer. ["Or a tool. Or both!" -- Wing Chun] Derek runs up to the house, and when Adam (whose house this is) doesn't answer the door or respond to his yells, Derek uses the spare key to open it. All is dark inside, and when Derek flips the light switch, nothing happens. He flicks a lighter, commenting that "this place smells nasty" and starts up the stairs. But wait! There's water coming down the stairs. There's water in the upstairs hallway. There's water everywhere! Derek pushes open the door to the bathroom, but I think he took a wrong turn somewhere onto the set of the video for "King of Pain" because of all the candles. The shower curtain is drawn so we can't see what's in the tub. Derek sogs through the water on the floor and jerks back the curtain to reveal dead floaty Adam at the bottom of the bloody-water filled tub. Ew! Derek reaches into the water and pulls out his brother's dead body, while sobbing, "Oh my God! I'm so sorry!" So, okay. That would pretty much suck. And now we've established that Derek feels responsible for Adam's (alleged) suicide. Cue credits.

Derek continues to speak into the computer, saying that it's now three years later, and he probably should have shut down the website after Adam's death, but it felt unfinished and unresolved. He changed the name of the site to "Freakylinks" and took on a partner. Cue wacky partner intro via handheld video camera. Derek's partner (whose name we have yet to learn) clearly always messes things up. We see the two of them preparing to enter some barn, and the partner gets all the details of the plan wrong. Partner takes the camera to shoot the "opening crawl," where Derek tells us that he and his partner Jason (ah!) are there to investigate "the black market purchase" of an occult icon, "the severed head of the great Seminole war chief, Osceola." Derek and Jason exit their car to enter a barn where the purchase is supposed to go down. Derek pauses to give us the mission of the Freakylinks team: "To uncover the truth behind the strange and unusual, to answer the questions that have no answers, and take you with us." Derek enters the barn and spies on someone he informs us is "Gunter Mahlburg, the vertically-challenged Donald Trump of occult collecting." We see a really short guy counting off bills as Derek zooms in on the severed head in some sort of jar. Suddenly, one of the head's eyes opens, and Derek yells, "Whoa!" which causes the people in the barn to notice him. He takes off and we are treated to shaky-cam of him running out and dropping the camera on the ground.

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Ed

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