I've decided that, for a change of pace, while recapping this week's episode of Ed, I will attempt to drink my weight in Michelob Honey Lager beer. It certainly can't hurt the recap, since they rarely make sense once I'm finished anyway. Plus, if this week's episode is anything like last week's filled-to-the-brim barf bag, I'm going to need all the help I can get in staying awake while recapping the horseshit.
We open with Ed and Mike walking in to the Smiling Goat. Ed's in the mood for some pea soup. Which would be a super-cool shout-out to the fact that I just mentioned a barf bag, because Linda Blair vomited pea soup in my favorite horror/comedy film of all time, The Exorcist. Except that I just typed that last paragraph four minutes ago and the show has already aired. And my first Honey Lager is going to my head rather quickly. Ed grins and bets Mike ten bucks Mike won't go over to a guy and ask for his autograph. Mike's game. Ed adds that Mike has to pretend that he thinks the guy is Kenny Rogers. They show this white-haired guy eating in a booth, and for a second, I think it is Kenny Rogers. I'm thinking, "Man. Kenny. Who's grilling the chickens?" So Mike goes over to this guy and says, "Excuse me, Kenny, can I have your autograph?" The guy says he's not Kenny Rogers. Upon closer inspection, it looks like Will Ferrell doing Kenny Rogers. Mike says he hates to bother Kenny during lunch, but could he just sign Mike's napkin? Just sign it "Kenny" or "The Gambler" or anything. The guy keeps saying he's not Kenny, and Mike keeps pushing it. Finally the guy growls and signs the stupid napkin. Mike says, "Be the guy, Kenny!" while Ed laughs. Oh, holy hell. If this is all they have to offer as an opener, this is going to be a long recap. Second Honey Lager coming up.
Theme song and opening credits. I just made up a joke. What's the difference between the theme song for Ed and those dogs that mauled and killed that woman's lover in a hallway out in California a year ago? One makes you sick and the other sics your mate. Hey, I never said it was a funny joke.
So we're back, and we see a cabin in the woods. Maybe it's Jackass's house. I dunno. Nobody bothered to explain it to me. I didn't get the freakin' memo. I haven't been "debriefed," as they're so fond of saying on that freakin' la-de-da fancy pants ratings-hoarding show The West Wing. Carol's reading about the Quizbowl in the paper; Jackass has never heard of the Quizbowl. Carol says it's a big competition, and that Stuckeyville used to be pretty good at winning it. She wants Stuckeyville High to get back in that Quizbowl clique. Jackass asks who would coach the team. Carol suggests Ed, of all people, because he was a Quizbowl champion in high school. Jackass carefully reminds Carol that Ed's not a teacher, and Carol says that it's all right: the former Quizbowl coach retired from teaching and still coached for several years afterward. Jackass hands Carol her breakfast. It's a huge omelet. Dare I say it was an "Omeletzilla." Jackass used seven eggs to make it. I need another Honey Lager. Have I mentioned that I'm normally Heineken's bitch in leather panties? This Honey Lager stuff tastes like it's barley-flavored water. Luckily for me, my liver calls the shots when it comes to judging alcohol content.